I Was Told Every Day

My Beloved Arch told me every day that he Loved Loving Me. Is there a greater gift that any person can receive? It is really what everyone is yearning for. I have been truly blessed.

Click on it anyway and you will be able to see it on YouTube.

~ Tutte ~

The Best Way to Begin the New Year. I did in the Distant Past

Happy New Year

I love this picture because it depicts to me, the struggles
encountered by so many Globally and their desire for change.
Their courage and sacrifice to stand up for freedom and democracy
should inspire us all to lend our support.
Hopefully the New Year will provide for their comfort.

~ Tutte ~

Pearl makes a list

Hugs from Pearl makes Betsy Bird's list of magnificent picture books of 2011. A big hug and thank you for Betsy!

Loneliness

I came across this picture years ago and saved it because I felt such empathy for this women. Tonight as I was out after midnight in the dark to have a few puffs of a cigarette, that image emerged in my mind and I identified with her completely. Profound Loneliness and Lack of Purpose or Productivity is the worst disease of all and I expect most seniors feel the same. That was also expressed by Mother Teresa who walked the streets amongst the poorest and most lonely.

~ Tutte ~

The Rose sung by LeeAnn Rimes

My longest and dearest girlfriend sang this at Arch's Memorial Service. Have always loved this song and this is a beautiful presentation.

~ Tutte ~

Christmas

This is a Very Unsentimental image but that is how I view this Season.

It has no meaning for me whatsoever any more as I have had to celebrate it by myself for the ? years. Xmas is about sharing, giving, receiving and in the company of our loved ones. Most are no longer present or available and since I don't believe in the birth of Christ at this time of year is doesn't have are religious aspect either.

However, I remember so vividly with loving memories, all the magical Xmas's of the past. My beloved Arch was a living embodiment of Santa Clause. He absolutely loved the season. He cooked, baked, bought present and wrote magical and funny notes to accompany everyone. He had such a fantastic sense of humour. The note would bring more pleasure than the gift. Christmas without him, is NOT Christmas.

God, how I miss him. Still...... and always will.

~ Tutte ~

out of the box

A couple of nice new reviews for PETUNIA GOES WILD, due out late January.

From Kirkus:

Petunia decides she’s more animal than girl (RARH!).

Human behavior requires too much structure: cleanliness, clothing, combing, quiet. Petunia enacts all these banalities, all these “hafta[s],” in an effective spread of c-sounds and frowny-faces. Tiny expressions relay her utter exhaustion with people rules (as well as her joy in running bare-bottomed!). Children will empathize, as they know what it’s like to have a wild impulse crushed for millionth time. Careful! After gobbling breakfast off the floor, growling at neighbors and bathing in a mud puddle, Petunia asks to become the family pet, helpfully holding up a leash and collar. Her parents’ response suffocates an entire page, filling it with fuming type and angry large letters that gradually dwindle in size but not quantity. This visual tune-out of a parental rant works well optically and rings true to young ears, too. Schmid’s suggestive charcoal drawings and purple watercolor accents enjoy lots of white space and clever compositional placement. A mellow orange highlights the animal kingdom (Petunia’s pinned-on tiger tail, stuffed animals and the scrawled words MAIL TO AFRICA on a child-sized box). Her mother’s singing in the kitchen draws Petunia back to her human house, but readers sense Petunia will always remain a little feral.

Simple illustrations convey a simple truth: children love to run wild! (Picture book. 3-7)

And from the School Library Journal:

The spunky protagonist of A Pet for Petunia returns with an existential dilemma in this unexpectedly simple yet satisfying tale. Convinced that she should have been born an animal, the precocious preschooler eats her breakfast off the floor, roars at passing strangers, and bathes in mud puddles. Her parents find her request for a cave to live in horrendous and her suggestion that she be their pet drives them to distraction. For Petunia, though, life as a human is just “too… clean. Too careful. Too clothed. Too combed. Too quiet. Too… hafta.” She packages herself into a box labeled “mail to Africa.” The sound of her mother singing in the kitchen causes her misgivings, and she creeps silently back to the kitchen, where milk and cookies are waiting for her. Schmid has crafted a fun, well-paced read-aloud. Though never depicted, Petunia’s parents are aptly realized through their few pages of wordy counter-dialogue. Petunia, on the other hand–with her wild hair and tiger tail pinned to her striped purple dress–is adorably rendered in Schmid’s charismatic charcoal drawings. The art plays a key role in the subtle sense of humor being conveyed, as when the girl peeks around a corner with just her human face and tiger tail on display. With a passionate struggle and simultaneous weakness for the comforts of being a human child, Petunia will charm children and adults alike.–Jayne Damron, Farmington Community Library, MI

Maksim Mrvica - Child in Paradise

Since childhood, I wanted to be either a Pianist, an Opera Singer or an Artist. Sadly never had the opportunity to do either. Have dabbled in the Arts via painting and drawing and then discovered it wasn't my passion. Instead, I used my gardens as my living palette and had the pleasure of doing that for over 25 years. That became my passion and where I found Peace, no matter what stressor were happening. Loosing that is my second greatest loss. My hubby being the first.

When I discovered this Video I became fascinated by the speed and dexterity that is involved with playing at his level. Years and years of practise no doubt. Love this piece of music because of the build up of tension.

~ Tutte ~

Music

Music had been such a huge part of my life and sadly I haven't been able to listen for years because the old and familiar brought up so much pain and tears. Today, I need new music to create new memories and I recently discoverd the piece of music below. I have become quite addicted to it because it is so peaceful. I often play it before I go to bed to calm me down.

~ Tutte ~

Maksim Mrvica - Claudine original

ONE OF THE GREATEST POSTS ON YOUTUBE SO FAR!

Relate totally with the message. Charlie Chaplin introduced it.

~ Tutte ~

Just discovered how to imbed videos into my blog. So simple and will use it frequently I expect.

~ Tutte ~

wild review

A nice new review from Publishers Weekly for my nice new book out in February, PETUNIA GOES WILD.

In her previous book, Petunia wanted a pet, but now she wants to be one. Donning a tiger tail, she eats her breakfast off the floor, bathes in mud, and insists that her parents find her a cave. Being human is just “Too careful. Too clothed. Too combed. Too quiet.” Her parents don’t understand, but Petunia learns that there are a few perks to being human, after all. Schmid uses naïf crayon lines to convey Petunia’s gentle disobedience and frustration over life’s boundaries. Readers who would rather eat under the table will find an ally in this shrewdly playful heroine.

The Golden Years

What an Illusion for me but obviously not for others. So happy on their behalf. That is how it should be.

~ Tutte ~

The Void Within

Discovered the following that I wrote in 2009 and it remains true today. Wish it wasn't so but have no idea how to change anything. With what do I replace the loss of all my loved ones? Most departed and others living far away. I have become an orphan without any family nearby for support and comfort. No one to share memories with. As we become seniors that is an enormous need.

I just have to write this down since it is the first time that it has finally reached a concrete level of awareness for me.

The only way I can describe it is to say, that I feel this huge craving/void that starts from my throat and descends to the pit of my stomach. It constantly needs to be fed but regardless of what I put into it, whether by smoking, drinking, food, chocolates, music, etc. etc. it won't go away. IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!!!! I haven't found a way to feed it. It feels like a cancer......! Always looking for a source of nourishment and coming up with nothing. It began 30 years ago with the constant episodes of being in survival crisis, the death of Arch and my boys leaving home, it slowly began eroding my skin and bones until it left me disabled. Then to my mouth that has left me without the pleasure of enjoying food. The question now becomes, how much further will it grow in order to be fed? To my mind, heart and brain until they finally succumb to the terrors it imposes on me?

I suspect it could be diagnosed as Loneliness and lack of stimulation, isolation, love, touch, joy and hope. Without real empathy and understanding from anyone, and I say that respectfully since no one can walk in my shoes, I don't have an avenue to reach out.

At the moment, I have no idea how to resolve this......I believe I know what could but I don't have the means. On a moment to moment basis, I am having to suppress my emotions, desires and what little hope I have left but that is not a way to live. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to a sliver of optimism and hope that there is a light at the end of this forevever long tunnel. I am coming to the end.............how long will it take for me to find a release????????????? I wish I could end it here and now but I JUST CAN'T.

I wrote this before my move and was in utter despair. Thankfully my external environment has improved (not the financial restraints that stifle me from doing what I wish) but that doesn't change the internal one. Now that it Xmas Season the loneliness is such much more pronounced. Detest the month of December for many reasons.

~ Tutte ~

Nudity

I have no desire at my age to expose my naked body to someone I have not been intimate with since my youth. I expect most widows as they age, feel the same. It doesn't diminish the desire and the loneliness.

In response to a conversation I had with my Chiropractor's wife who works in the office and discussing aging, I responded to her statement of not being the golden years, by saying "NO, They are God Damned Rusty".

~ Tutte ~

Everything

It's the weekend again and memories are flooding over me.

~ Tutte ~

'Tis The Season

~ Tutte ~

Masks

We all wear them. There is the one for the public, one for family/friends and then perhaps the most important of all.....the one we wear to hide from ourselves. The most difficult to confront and discard.

~ Tutte ~

A Memory

36 years ago this week while on my honeymoon in Hawaii sitting on a beach with my beloved, we were awestruck by the size of the waves (30 - 40 feet) and the skill of the surfers.

A fellow was knocked off his board and desperately tried to reach the shore but the undertow kept pulling him back out. The crowd on the beach kept shouting words of encouragement and he finally managed to with some strength and breath left. Perhaps just a will to live. The medics arrived and he survived. Frightening to witness. These people have a lot of courage.

Sometimes when the surf becomes too big in our own lives, we MUST hang on until we are rescued. Most of us are thankfully. A good reminder in all aspects of life experiences.

~ Tutte ~

The Future?

I have been looking through the fog of the past 7 years with PTSD and am beginning to realize what a profound effect this has had on me now that it is in the past. I can say that now because I have NOT had a major Anxiety episode since I moved 5 months ago. Thank God. However, there is so much residue left that I still have to deal with. The constant influx of negative thinking that laid down pathways in the brain that need to be rewired. I continue to remind myself to be patient. It ain't gonna happen overnight. It's all baby steps but am so grateful that I have reached a point where that is an option for me.

~ Tutte ~

A Desire Within Myself

I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy;
the most profitable explanation is that I was made for another world.

C. S. Lewis

Have always felt that way as long as I can remember. Didn't want to come in and it took my mother 11 days of labour to eject me bruised and disformed. Fortunately the evidence disappeared. Have never felt like I was a fit. Still don't. I think and view the world so differently.

~ Tutte ~

Butterflies

We should be like butterflies,

and have the courage to face the metamorphosis of life,

to be free …

~Author Unknown ~

How Much Longer?

I continue with my visits to my Chiropractor and it's become a very interesting and painful experience. I am in more pain today versus what I had when I went for the first visit. He forwarned me that it would be a 'Tug of War' and IT IS!!! Today I have been in so much pain especially in my right shoulder that I could barely pick up a cup of coffee. The movement is becoming very limited and what I feared the most. I don't want another frozen shoulder.

At the moment the pain is radiating into the middle of my back and keeps shifting all the time. At times it becomes unbearable and am so ready to give up the fight. I know I won't but GOD, what a painful process.

~ Tutte ~

bellicose bunnies

These are my first exploratory sketches developing the styling on a new character. I worked at these on and off at my book signing last weekend. The bunnies have come a long way since then, but I don't have anything to show just yet.

Memories are Reflected Everywhere

book signing

Get on down to Bellevue Art and Frame this Saturday. I will be reading and signing my books from noon to 4pm, so stop by and say hello. --Oh, and buy lots of books too.

http://www.bellevueartandframe.com/

speechless

I just rewrote the same sentence nearly 40 times.

I think I've got it now.

Can't Wait

To be relieved and discard the mask of pain I have been wearing for the most of my life. Today, I look for physical relief. 15 years of Chronic Pain from one source or another is wearing me down.

Even pain brings blessings and I have to continue to remind myself of how many and by whom have occurred to me over the years.

I went for another visit with my Chiro today and he has begun a series of exercises for me to do at home. It has become evident to me that whatever is currently going on my body and causing so much discomfort will take time to heal. 3 visits a week.

I was becoming concerned as to how I would manage to pay for all these visits on my meager income regardless of being subsidized by MSP to the limit of 10 per year.

To make a very long story short,the Universe (God) has once again blessed me by directing me to people who have a very kind and giving heart. He is gifting me with free treatments. How blessed am I? My GP provides me with my BP meds via samples so I haven't had to pay for several years.

I have never asked for assistance but these wonderful people who are in tune to the needs of others and a heart that is capable of reaching out, do so. The spirit of giving is the same as the one from the Manager of my local grocery store who every time he sees me, gives me a free bouquet of flowers. I often ask myself how many people receive these gifts or is it something unusual about me? That is not an ego statement but a question. Not because I think I am special etc. but perhaps because I am totally honest and vulnerable. People respond to someone they can empathize with. Could write a chapter on that topic and perhaps someday I will. It has been my greatest lesson. The key is letting go of the ego and being True to whom we are and discarding all the masks we have had to wear over a lifetime.

I didn't give mine up voluntarily, they were stripped off by life's circumstances. As difficult as that process has been, the end result is a great sense of freedom. The greatest gift.

~ Tutte ~

My beloved Arch

It's Saturday and along come Longings

Being widowed and getting older, doesn't change my desires. In my mind, I am still 29,39,49 and full of life, excitement and romance. With the absense of my beloved, I live with constant Longing for Him and the past. That is all part of grieving. Expect those who have been happily married share those but undoubtedly for those who haven't been as blessed as I am, have a yearning to have had a similar experience. Living is painful for everyone on one level or another.

~ Tutte ~

Multi Tasking in the Past

I have lived long enough to remember those days. Things have improved or have they?

~ Tutte ~

Music

I must despite the pain, find a way to enjoy music as I did in the past. A major passion of mine that I haven't been able to for far too long. Brings up too many painful memories and always leaves me in tears.

~ Tutte ~

A Favorite Photo

Open to any interpretation. So Simplistic and Serene IMO.

~ Tutte ~

Need for Immediate Comfort

Have been seeing the Chiropractor 3 times a week for the last two and in the process of many adjustments to my spine, I find myself in constant pain with the odd day in between that is relatively comfortable. I was forwarned that this process would be a tug of war. Sure is! Tonight I am in pain and wish I had my beloved to rub my back and shoulders and kiss all my booboos. Or had an in-house Chiro to push and pull to remove all the knots in my muscles.

~ Tutte ~

The Book of Life

The pages turn more and more quickly as we age. In youth, we assume that life will last forever but as we age we come to recognize how quickly the pages of the years turn over. At my age age, it no longer seems like years, rather more like months, then minutes and I expect if I live long enough, it will become seconds. If only in our youth we recognized how fleeting the years of our lives are.

We would appreciate the relationships with our families, friends and all the subtle aspects of our involvement as part of the human community. We wouldn't take so much for granted and live more in the moment. We would live with a far greater awareness of gratitude. There is an old saying that youth is wasted on the young. Wisdom comes with age, sadly.

~ Tutte ~

Another Xmas Season Approaching Living with Absence

The Presence of Your Absence Is Everywhere

The park bench placard spoke of loss
And the way the Beloved is almost more there
Than before though touch seems impossible
And embrace longed for. Oh the power of absence

To forge remembrance - single moments
So cellularly embedded to make time eternal:
A brush of hand to cheek, the fragrance of perfume,
The way smoke of a pipe curled up or how we once

Wrote messages in frost on the window panes
With another. This Tabernacle of Memory
That year by year rises in us - this great heart space
Where nothing is lost - how it opens -

How we are there again like yesterday,
Filled with love for tomorrow,
Embracing the moment at hand --
The Presence of Absence everywhere.

Marilee L. Pallant/Sage

Courage Is

Oliver

New character I'm working on.

Isn't there some sort of law against having TOO much fun?

can't stop...

I’ve started a brand new story and dummy. What a brutal, exhausting, delightful ordeal it is to be so brain-tired, yet not be able to stop because you’re having way too much fun.

True Love

Spooning

The weekend is coming so I am always reminded of the loss of my beloved. Spooning in our 20 years together, occurred every night. God, how I miss that physical contact that has nothing to do with sex. Just the imtimacy of a very close connection to a beloved and can only be experienced with a lover or a spouse.

Remember Me

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What's the point of bringing gold to the Gold Mine, or water to the Ocean.
Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient.
It's not good giving my heart and soul because you already have these.
So - I've brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me.

Rumi

What Music?

I finally bit the bullet and went to see the Chiropractor. A lovely and empathic man. He spent 45 minutes taking down my history. Then 15 making some adjustments. God they hurt and confirmed my problems. My next apt. is on Saturday and then I expect many follow-ups. He shared his concern for me that what is happening in my right shoulder is Rheumatoid Arthritis. That is what my left shoulder has been diagnosed with and why such limited movement and chronic pain.

The thought of this scares the shit out of me. Not so much the pain involved but the lack of strength and mobility. I am trying not to project the worst outcome, while remaining realistic, and hope that the treatments I receive in the future will slow that process down. My body for the last 15 years has been riddled with Arhtritis with subsequent surgeries. No doubt due to the fact that my Immune System has been overly compromised due to all the stress I have endured for almost 30 years. A Constant overload of Adrenalin. The Immune System in overdrive, ends up attacking the host, my body. It boggles my mind, how much chronic pain I can continue to endure. Living with that colors every thought and life experience. However, on a positive note, it proves to me how much endurance resides within each of us when put to the test. That is a Global experience and those in the Western World living off the sweat and hard labour of 99% of the population have no ability to comprehend.

Now I could really spout off my opinion but once again will stop myself from getting on my soapbox.

Will update, hopefully with less painful news. Tonight I am on FIRE. Expected after having the vertebrae manipulated.

~ Tutte ~

Sorrow by my friend Gun Legler

It just occurred to me tonight that I am going through another major period of sorrow in my attempt to quite smoking. A cigarette in my hand has been a constant companion for 55 years. I recognize today it's just not a matter of giving up an addiction but an entire lifestyle that is so ingrained in the psyche. For the first time in 4 1/2 months, I subconsciously reached to my left to pick up the cigarette that would normally be resting in my husband's ashtray with his name engraved, ARCH, a gift to him from an employer. It took me totally by surprise and I immediately became aware of how ingrained this habit is regardless of how well I have been doing in my attempts. I have to admit perhaps repeating myself, that I don't want to quit but MUST out of necessity. That is a very different dynamic versus most others we have to deal with which are unexpected. I still don't want to and until I have a desire, the demon will remain a constant obstacle for me to deal with. I Hate This. Have Lost Everything and this was my last daily companion.

~ Tutte ~

launching Pearl

The wonderful folks at the Secret Garden bookstore are throwing a party for the debut of my new book Hugs from Pearl. 7 pm Tuesday November 22nd.

I'll be there to sign books, read a bit, and talk about a new Petunia story coming out next year. I hope to see you there!

a few reviews to view

Quite a bit of news to share:

The formidable Kirkus has smiled upon Pearl:

“In this welcome departure from the seemingly ubiquitous theme that finds porcupines looking for love, gentle-hearted Pearl experiments with ways to make her hugs more comfortable for others.

From the first page, the text speaks directly to young readers in simple sentences that instantly establish a friendly rapport: “Pearl is sweet… She’s a very good friend to have. She plays fair, shares her lunch treats, and best of all… / Pearl LOVES to hug.” But she does have those pesky quills. Even though everyone in her class likes Pearl, they find her hugs “a little ouchy.” So Pearl dedicates herself to finding a solution. Set against backgrounds of pale green or blue, the charcoal strokes delineating Pearl’s soft, white body portray her as anything but prickly. A touch of pastel pink highlights her face and the myriad feelings she experiences while struggling with her prickliness. Using pincushions, taking a long bath and requesting a quillcut all prove futile. When she is at her most discouraged, some bees and rosebushes give her an idea. With a little ingenuity, some resourcefulness and a whole lot of heart, Pearl solves her own dilemma. Children and adults alike will cheer as she rushes to school to share her rosy success.

Schmid’s follow-up to A Pet for Petunia proves he is a talent to watch. Keep quills crossed for a future porcupine tale.”

And from Publishers Weekly:

Pearl the porcupine stars in this sweet-natured story about the hazards of hugging (at least when one is a porcupine), and she’s also the source of its delightfulness. Schmid (A Pet for Petunia) draws Pearl and her many quills with a few hasty strokes, but her expressive features, her ecstatic gyrations when she contemplates hugging her classmates (“Pearl loves to hug”), and her dismayed expression when she realizes that her hugs hurt them (“Pearl’s teacher kept lots of Band-Aids handy”) will soften even the hard-hearted. A visit to some similarly prickly rosebushes in the neighborhood leads Pearl to a solution that both pleases her and spares her classmates. Schmid is disciplined about keeping his story focused; Pearl and her classmates stand against backdrops of soft green and blue with no extra scenery, and every sentence moves the action along. Pearl’s is a small-scale problem, but she surmounts it by herself, and readers have the reassuring sense that nothing awful will happen while she figures it out—at least nothing that a Band-Aid can’t fix. 

The School Library Journal has also given our girl a sweet review:

Pearl loves to give hugs, which leaves her friends at school in a prickly predicament. Tired of hearing, “Ouch! Thanks, Pearl. Ouch!” from her classmates, the youngster wonders, “What’s a friendly little porcupine to do?” After unsuccessfully investigating several options to soften her quills, including pincushions, a long bath, and a quill cut, Pearl is quite dejected. Then she notices bees happily buzzing around some thorny roses, and she has a flash of inspiration. With a little alteration to her mother’s special rose-print pillowcase, Pearl soon has the perfect solution. With his simple pastel and charcoal illustrations set against pale green and blue pages, Schmid brings just the right touch of sweetness to this charming tale. Though rendered with an uncomplicated ease, rosy-faced Pearl is endearingly expressive in her body language, and readers won’t help but respond to her anxiously crooked mouth as she ponders her dilemma, her industriously stuck-out tongue as she tries to address it, and her jubilantly closed eyes as she savors her success. This porcupine is perfectly lovable, and her proactive endeavors to solve a problem thrust on her by nature set a good example for children encountering their own struggles. This warmhearted story will fit right into storytimes and one-on-one reading sessions at home.–Jayne Damron, Farmington Community Library, MI

A Fine Line

Life for all of us is about walking the Fine Line and finding the right Balance.

~ Tutte ~

Sometimes

Reality

As someone who has spent the last 8 years playing computer games because of my disabilities etc. I can promise that the above statement is true. Even the best of games get stale and not worth replaying. In life, we don't have the ability to shut off the computer of our mind when we are sick and tired of the same gameplay.

~ Tutte ~

Thoughts

I wish I could find some avenue of interest to interrupt the whirlwind of my negative thinking. What? I know what did in the past but am not able to recreate those interests anymore due to lack of the right circumstances. How does one re-invent oneself at 67? Don't have a clue.

~ Tutte ~

The Difference

A kind word, a phone call or an Email from a friend of family member can make a huge difference. They provide a little balm on the embers of my life.

~ Tutte ~

Wanting and Needing

It's the Weekend and I always go down this path of Loneliness and Missing my Beloved.

~ Tutte ~

Survival

No matter where we find ourselves on the ladder of Society, everyone is just trying to stay afloat. Sadly many are choosing to do so at the cost to others. Could get on another soapbox but heading off to bed.

~ Tutte ~

Seperation

It's so illusive. Another dimension, distance, physical, emotional or all just in the mind. We are never really seperated from all beings and events that have impacted our lives in profound ways. Especially those we have loved the most. Why dreams are a wonderful vehicle for reconnecting. They certainly are for me. I can still interact with my beloved grandfather whom I haven't seen since I was 9 years old.

~ Tutte ~

Medicine and Doctors

One may ask why I have not gone to a doctor with my current problems. The quick answer is that I have suffered with health issues since I was a child with little help. I never received the right advice or medications and nothing ever alleviated the pain or resolved the problem. I became very sceptical and as a result became my own physician. Eventually discovered that Medicine is a Business run by the Pharmaceutical companies at a high cost to consumers as are hospitals who need to perform surgeries in order to pay the bills and for new diagnostic equipment.

I eventually came to the conclusion after having had 9 major surgeries, that all I need are plumbers and carpenters. Those are practical skills and carried out very well by most Surgeons. There is little guess work involved. Have had great results by their labour and training. My Orthopeadic Surgeon started his career operating on large animals. That was a thumbs up since I was very overweight at the time. I could get on my soapbox around this topic but will stop here. Seem to have a multitude of soapboxes, probably because I live alone and never have someone to talk to or to pull the plug. I miss that immensenly, especially the feedback.

In the back of my mind is the idea of going to a chiropractor but hesitate since I worry about the negative ramifactions to my already compromised back. However, have a name of one highly recommended by a close girlfriend. Have been to chiropractors in the past and found most very helpful but I was young and in much better shape back then. In fact, one was kind enough to pay me a home visit when I couldn't get out of bed to go to the bathroom. Had to wear a diaper, handy since I had a 3 month old son.

Today I worry. All will depend on if time will heal this current problem or how much longer I can live with this level of pain. I know I should bite the bullet but money and the lack of it, is always in the forefront of my mind. The lack of money has been an issue for years and why I had to let so many things progress beyond where they should.

I don't suffer much from envy but do for those who have the means to maintain their health whether in terms of mental/eye or dental care. Why I empathize so much for the 40 million US citizens who have no coverage and millions of others suffering around the globe, especially the children. Rarely spoken of or reported on unless there is a major catastrophy. Then it becomes the current News thread and after a few weeks left in the dust. What happens afterwards is always a mystery to me. The Tsunami, the Earthquake in Haiti, etc. etc. etc. There is never a follow up and it pisses me off. I remember after the US invasion into Kuwait and the devastation of all the oil wells being set alight and the concern for the water in the Gulf and and it's impact on the marine life and food supply. Have never heard or read of the consequences via TV. I guess as I am writing this I am coming to the realization that I need to take responsibility for how well informed I am and do some researching. The mental state in which I have lived for so long didn't allow me to think too far beyond my personal struggle to stay somewhat mentally intact. Perhaps the future will. Sure hope so.

Less pain today so I am grateful.

~ Tutte ~