Happy New Year

Slumber My Darling Andre Rieu and sung by Suzan Erens

Just discovered this wonderful singer and a very sweet song. The term 'Mother' can be replaced by another term for a lost loved one. 
Lyrics are below.

Slumber, my darling, thy mother is near,
Guarding thy dreams from all terror and fear,
Sunlight has pass'd and the twilight has gone,
Slumber, my darling, the night's coming on.
Sweet visions attend thy sleep,
Fondest, dearest to me,
While others their revels keep,
I will watch over thee.
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.
Slumber, my darling, till morn's blushing ray
Brings to the world the glad tidings of day;
Fill the dark void with thy dreamy delight--
Slumber, thy mother will guard thee tonight,
Thy pillow shall sacred be
From all outward alarms;
Thou, thou are the world to me
In thine innocent charms.
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.

This provided me with a level of comfort and hope it does you as well.

~ Tutte ~

Neither Here or There

 

It's been a long time since I have written anything. I have discovered this is a result of my new Medications. They seem to have provided some relief from my ongoing Anxiety which I am grateful for since this provides me with some sense of Peace. Something that has been lacking for more years than I can remember. However, the downside is that I am not able to express or get in touch with my emotions as I once did. In fact, when something negative comes up, I seem to be able to shut those emotions of immediately. After so many years of being preoccupied with all my pain whether emotional or physical, this is huge change in my psyche. Not sure yet whether I like it or not.

Since in the past I communicated via Email to all my friends and family based on my emotions since there was no news to share, and now I can't do either since nothing has changed in my physical world, it's become somewhat of a cunundrum. I expect that I should view this change as a reprieve and that it will allow me to regroup. At least that is what I expect. 

I sleep all day because I have nothing to get up for and now can allow myself to do that without any feelings of guilt. It may not fit in with others expectations but today, I don't care. I suffered from profound insomnia for 15 years so if I can sleep for 12 hours a day, I view that as a gift. My priority is to heal myself and others will just have to adjust. A new attitude for me since I was always a people pleaser. Now I come first. Why it had to take 68 years, I don't know especially since I know so many people whose priority is themselves. The other plus is that I spend so much time in my dreamworld that is far more exciting so I have no real desire to wake up to another unproductive and boring day. It is almost as I am beginning a transitioning process from this world to another. I find it quite exciting and undoubtedly leaves my friends with a lot of question. I am quite at peace with my life for the moment. First time in the last 18 years.

Xmas is now past and I am relieved since this is always the most painful season for me. I did receive the greatest gift last night in that my youngest son living in Japan for the last 8 years phoned and we had a very animated chat for  3 hours. I so love this son of mine and hearing his voice made him seem so much closer.

I will leave it at that.

~Tutte~

Flight or Escape

Ever since my last horrific episode of PTSD after I returned from a month in hospital where I litterally thought I was going crazy and realized my mind was the worst possible enemy I could have, I now have a medication that seems to help. Sadly not without side effects. The worst and most beneficial for me is that it removes me from having to feel my emotions. I no longer have the Anxiety attacks of the past that left me feeling suicidal but they also numb me  in terms of feeling much of anything.
However that is far preferable to the level of Anxiety I lived with for over 10 years. What I regret the most about this med is that I used to write from the level of my emotions about anything since I had nothing of normal life to to write about, so it was always my perceptions and assumptions. Now I find myself unable to respond to most of my emails. This is a huge loss but I recognize that in order to overcome PTSD, I have to be removed from all the thoughts and emotions that were driving me crazy. The meds have been a blessing regardless of their side effects.

~ Tutte~

Silent Tears

I have no idea why I can't cry. I will only allow myself to shed silent tears when I see something on the TV that moves me. Could be anything from a movie to a commercial but usually when I see a contestent who put his heart and soul into his performance, win or not. 

My being is so filled with unshed tears and without being able to release them, they manifest in my body in the form of disease and pain. Why can't I allow myself to cry is somewhat of a mystery to me. I don't like the way it makes my body and eyes feel nor the headache that follows. I never have headaches. The only explanation I can come up with is that as I child I was discourged to by various messages. I don't know, but wish I could find a release by a natural means that wouldn't make me feel worse.

~ Tutte~

A Prayer

 

Ever since my fall last January that landed me in the hospital for a month and then the subsequent fall recently, I have said a prayer for safety every time I have gone out for a walk.

I finally bit the bullet and bought myself a cell phone for Emergencies only. I carry it with me everywhere and it's unbelievable how much it has disappated my anxiety. I hope I will never have to use it but it provides me with a Lifeline.

 ~ Tutte~ 

Comparison

How does the world view me in comparison to how I view myself?

That is the universal question that plagues us all from the day we become conscious of ourselves. We spend our lives in this exercise. At times it is a motivating factor and builds self-esteem and in others just the opposite. So much depends on the amount of love and encouragement we receive in childhood. Until I met my beloved husband who showered me with unconditional love, I was very insecure and put on all kinds of masks to try to fit it and they were often misunderstood.

With aging, the blessings I have received now allow me to not care at all what others think? There is so much freedom coming from that place. Of course this is based on a history of having my Ego totally stripped by all the challenges I have had to face. There is a gift in everything.

~ Tutte ~

peek at Peanut and Fifi

It won't be available in stores until March of 2013, but I received proofs of PEANUT AND FIFI HAVE A BALL. Written by Randall de Seve and illustrated by myself. I love this story. You will love this story. I will be giving more sneak peeks of it later.

kids these days...

... are so smart!

Percy f&g's

Pearl the porcupine's little brother Percy grapples his rather tragic state of affairs with balloons. Available in January, but you can pre-order now.
Barnes&Noble

Another Miracle Happened to ME

I just went out for my last smoke of the night and saw an SUV parked by the curb with a light that showed some body action within and then dimmed. I became concerned as it seemed somewhat unusual and wondered if there was a problem. My focus what there and I forgot to look where I was going and fell. Didn't trip on anything. It happened out of the blue. I couldn't believe it. NOT AGAIN! Didn't hurt myself but had no idea how to get up. I inched my way to the curb by rocking my hips and realized that there wasn't enough leverage for me to get up. My fear is not so much about falling but the fact that I can't get up when I do without leverage. I no longer have any strength in my arms and can't put weight on my knees. A very helpless situation.

My only option then was to butt crawl my way to the side of the SUV and knock on the window. I did that many times without any response even though I called for help, said I fell and couldn't get up and if they didn't want to help me, to at least call 911. I got no response and so had to come up with another idea. I butt crawled towards the front of the SUV thinking that if I could grab on to the front wheel and the side mirror, I would have some leverage to pull myself up.

Lo and behold, out of the darkness, two young girls, "Angels" walked towards me to ask if they could help. This was now 4 AM and neither were dressed for the cold temp. I couldn't believe it when I saw them a few feet away from me... coming out of nowhere. They said they lived in an apt. close by but it didn't ring true. There was no reason for them to be out so late and inappropriately dressed. Oh well, I don't want to project something I know nothing about. I've lived here for over a year and going out for late night walks to have a puff have never run into anyone. This was NOT a mere coincidence IMO.

They grabbed both arms and helped me up and escorted me back to my front door. Of course I hugged and thanked them profusely as they were shaking from the cold.

I am still in a state of shock and disbelief that this just happened to me. Every time I go out at night for a puff, I always ask God to look after me and keep me safe as I have such a fear of falling. Under very unusual circumstances He/She/It did tonight. It all seems like such a miracle that these two beings came out of nowhere to help me. We occasionally hear stories like this on the TV but never expect to have that type of encounter personally. I am so grateful I did and once again as in the past when I have found myself in the most extreme situations, someone always comes to my aid. Interestingly, they have all been young women. I am not making any type of statement, just an observation.

I had to write this down while it was so fresh in my mind. Thankfully at the moment, I am not in any pain but no doubt, will have some bruises tomorrow. So thankful tonight that I landed on my butt versus my knees.

'Angels' are always beside me.

~ Tutte~

Pearl in Korean

Pearl is an international star!

Chained to the Past

I just realized that I haven't written anything for over a month. I expect much has to do with my new Meds. After my knee injury and a month in the hospital, I went into a major PTSD episode and all the old tapes that ran through my mind for the last 10 years resurfaced. I spent several months again in isolation trying to deal with it until I had to acknowledge I needed help. That isn't easy for me, never has been since I have always had to deal with all my problems by myself. I realized I no longer had the ability to quite the voices in my brain that made me feel I was going insane. So frightening since it leaves one without any sense of control.

I made the decision to seek help via my MD who offered me a new free Med. It has helped enormously in terms of relieving all the Anxiety that has been so debilitating but now after several months, have noticed a change in my brain function. I don't feel like I am a Zombie as with some past meds, nor in some state of 'fog' but there are definitely some changes. Most for my benefit in that it relieves my Anxiety and I don't wake up with Suicidal thoughts. In fact, most of the time, I am in a relatively peaceful space. The downside of this drug is that my mind is not as crisp, I have a difficult time problem solving, concentration, writing or becoming reflective. This is a huge challenge since I am having major problems with my personal Website and don't seem to have the motivation to correct the problem. I have a subscriber list of people who have received my daily quotes for over 5 years and have expressed how much the miss them. That should be enough of a motivation and yet it seems not. I loved creating them and miss that daily exercise that could take up to 2 hours so I have yet to understand why the motivation has gone. I guess I will have to examine the positives and negatives of this MED. I just know I don't want to return to that state of Extreme Anxiety again if I can help it. It will a come down to some of a trade off I guess. I expect I will choose to live with less Anxiety.

On a positive note, I have made friends with a delightful and humorous British couple here in my Apt. building and we run into each other almost every day and spend at least half an hour if not more, together. There is a wonderful story behind all this but for the moment, suffice to say, that after so many years, I have a new FRIENDS. Never expected that to happen.  We are smokers and if we didn't have to go outside the building to have a puff we would probably never have met.

I have become acquainted with many other nice people and this Apt. It is full of them. How lucky am I. This Apt. has a nice mix of young and old and I love that. In the last place I lived it was full of Seniors over 70 that I felt so out of touch. I moved in there when I was 58 and it felt like I had moved into an Old Folks home. I was much too young in mind and spirit. Stayed away from them since they loved to gossip.  I became aware of a minor gap between the years. I think that will become less so in the future as we remain more youthful and Tech savy.  As I just wrote that, I realize that I have already been left behind in the dirt on the path to Technology. I can't keep up. A generational gap for sure.

Just received an invitation to meet up with 5 of my old girlfriends for a cup of tea in two weeks so I look forward to that. I have so little to look forward to so this is a huge blessing.

~ Tutte ~

Leap of Faith

Sometimes grace is the answer. Sometimes strength. Sometimes trust. And sometimes a LEAP OF FAITH is all that is needed. That little voice that tells you, "everything will be fine, just go for it"... listen, LEAP... so much beauty lies on the other side of fear. Source Unknown.

This has been a helpful approach for me in the past with all my struggles. Requires often, more than we think we are capable of doing. All require a great deal of courage and belief in oneself. When we do, we grow and expand. Magic happens.

~ Tutte ~

on my honor

In my youth I was a Boy Scout. I earned the rank of Eagle Scout and was elected a member of the Order of the Arrow.

I had long felt Scouting was an excellent program, I learned much which benefitted me in life.

Last month the Boy Scouts reaffirmed a policy which I deem unacceptably out-of-date and prejudicial: a ban on any members, child or parent, who are gay.

I am fortunate to know very many excellent, honorable human beings. Some just happen to be gay. The idea of any of my good friends being excluded from a thing merely because of whom they may fall in love with is appalling to me and at the same time really silly too.

As if we have an excess of love in the world.

Sure, the Scouts are entitled to whatever policy they choose. They are and have always been a private organization, with a long connection to a religious belief system. 

Yet for me, so long as they continue to function with what I feel is a dark-ages mentality, so long as their policies are based on mistaken morals, I am compelled to distance myself from the group.

Therefore, I am returning my Eagle Scout medal as a small way of protest. It is in the mail to them, a faded, tarnished symbol of outdated thinking, prejudice and intolerance. It is no longer the badge I earned.

Paul Schmid

WEB

I went out earlier to have few puffs and returned to my spot under a portico in a nearby building. I had been there a few hours earlier and noticed a 1/3 " little white spider whose web had been destroyed by an obvious previous capture. I began watching it begin to reconstruct it's web. It was a mind expanding experience in terms of engineering and determination. I have looked at spiders and their webs all my life and found them fascinating creatures, but this experience was an awakening experience for me. Just to be able to observe the reconstruction and then an hour later when I returned to see how it had recreated it was really awe inspiring. I watched as it's little feet moved along one thread and laid down another a 1/4 of an inch beyond and continued to do that with every turn. I'm sorry I missed the point where he realized it was time to change the direction from horizontal to vertical.

Upon my return when I saw it complete and he was happily resting in the middle of his web, waiting for another food supply,  I was reminded of how similar that is to all life. We encounter setbacks, tragedies etc. and yet there is something within us that provides the impetus to rebuild and recreate. It's all a matter of survival.

~ Tutte~

Discouraged

I can't believe after feeling such confidence in the improvement via my legs that an unexpected event occured the other night while walking. Something happened within my left knee. The one that took the brunt of my last fall and I had surgery on. It was a very painful and anxiety provoking experience since it felt like my knee was going to buckle and I would fall. My worst nightmare. Thank God I didn't but inched my way home very carefully. I laid low the next day and walked with a cane the following when I had to go out. Yesterday, I felt a great deal of improvement and then today, something shifted again and am becoming increasingly concerned that there is something wrong with my knee replacement. As usual, I procrastinate going to a doctor. I tend to think that my body will heal itself and in most cases it does. However, if there is something wrong with the mechanics, it won't and I will have to revisit my Ortho Surgeon. 

My worst fear at the moment is that I will need to have the knee replacement replaced with a full one. There is also something wrong with my right knee but acceptable and not too painful. I am also aware that a partial replacement has a certain longevity and it's now been 12 years and with such a major fall, it may speed up the process. I just can't stand the idea of having to undergo more surgeries and a painful period of recovery. Living alone makes this very challenging on so many levels. I will give myself a week and see if there is any improvement and if not, seek help. 

Just as I was beginning to gain confidence in my mobility, I now have anxiety and don't need or want that when I am just recovering from my last devastating episode of PTSD. 

Of course the question is always, why does this keep re-occuring to me and I have no answer. Is this something I am creating? If so, for what purpose? 

~ Tutte ~

Re-awakening Foot

Can't believe the improvement in my leg and foot during the last week. It's quite mind boggling to me after months of concern and anxiety while walking or driving. My confidence has returned and I almost feel like dancing.

The question of course is what caused this and it's current resolution. I suffer from Spinal Stenosis, (narrowing of the Spinal Canal, no doubt due to my  5 major episodes of ruptured discs).  With my frequent visits to my dear Chiro over the last six months, in which one aspect of his treatments has been to manipulate my lower back I have to wonder if that was the cause.

He was injured over a month ago and unable to return to work for 6 months so no further manipulations for me and perhaps why the improvement in my leg and foot. I don't fault him in any way, since the nerves from the neck down are all interconnected and have certainly received huge benefits to my shoulder which was the initial reason I sought his assistance.

I am so grateful for this improvement and the confidence in my mobility which of course leaves me without another layer of Anxiety.  I am feeling very hopeful at the moment that I won't have any further health problems. Not to forget my fear of falling which has plagued me for the last 3 years. I hope it will never occur again. Every incident has been so terrifying and left me feel much too vulnerable.

~ Tutte ~

Less Anxiety Currently

Have had much less Anxiety in the last week. More psychologically peacerful. Not really clear as to what is making the change occur. No doubt that as the pain in my shoulders has diminished an am gaining more confidence while walking has had a major impact. Sleeping so much better is a major factor. No longer a Whirling Dirvish when I get into bed.

I don't really have a need to question or examine it too much for fear it will change. Perhaps all the internal work I am doing in trying to be aware and diligent about changing any negative thoughts. I am truly trying to live in the moment versus projecting all my fears about my future health, my financial situation and my distate for becoming old and alone. These thoughts are what have plagued me for so long. Trying to live in the moment is a major challenge. Probably the most difficult one I have had to face. If I don't learn how to do that I will always life with a state of Anxiety that is so dibilitating to all body/mind systems.

~ Tutte~

Improving with gratitude

The last few days have left me feeling much more secure as the nerve in my foot that was causing me so much anxiety appears to be returning to normal. Not entirely but I am walking better and on top of that my shoulders have improved immensely. Have little pain in my right and minimal in my left. I feel like I have returned to the state I was a year ago.
I pray it will continue.

~ Tutte ~

Kindness

Breathe In

Breathe in the earth, the trees, the flowers...
Breathe in the plants, the minerals, the animals...
Breathe in the ocean, the lakes, the streams...
Breathe in the air, the sky, the clouds...
Breathe in the sun, the moon, the stars...
Remind yourself... "I AM THIS"

Observer

 

I have always been an Observer standing somewhere outside the stream of every day life and relationships. Perhaps why I have never participated much in conversations nor recall many. I recall my impressions and perception versus words and the feelings I experienced in the process. I find it far more interesting to listen. People reveal much more about themselves than their actual words convey.  Most are unable to listen to others as they have a need to inject and interrupt. I find this difficult to deal with as it doesn't allow for a continuing thread of thought. Especially now as I have gotten older and it becomes more difficult to remember where I left off. The outcome I expect, is that I will share less and less. What is the point anyway if no one hears what I am saying. Having lived in isolation for so many years and with my own thoughts, I am unfamiliar with having them interrupted so no doubt I am out of step with the rest of the world. I expect people do this because they know they have to talk quickly otherwise they won't be heard. It's a sad state of affairs. Fortunately I was married to a man who was a fantastic listener. He would come home from a plane trip and share his seat companion's entire life history. Probably why I fell in love with him initially. Someone finally allowed me to speak and listened attentively and with genuine interest.

Why this came up tonight is because I went out for a smoke and stood on the same walkway as I did last night. I had inadvertendly stepped on a snail and noticed a few hours later a slug was gorging himself on the remains. Tonight when I returned, he was still in feeding mode but an hour later had eaten the entire thing. I wondered to myself, how many people would have been aware of this occurence. I expect very few. But that is how I have lived my life and why I loved my gardens. They provided me with a window into all the different aspect of what goes on in a garden on many levels. Above or below ground. I miss that more than I can express. I felt so grounded in that environment.

So much more satisfying, rewarding and life enhancing to be an observer and a listener.

~ Tutte ~

We are all Warriors Fighting our Own Battles

Oh My God. I Fell Again.

This time in my kitchen and with my sandals on Thank GOD. They helped provide the traction I needed to 'butt' crawl across the kitchen floor, the hallway and my bedroom until I could get to my bed. By that I mean I was able to inch my way by rocking my buttocks back and forth. Took half an hour plus and once I got to my bed spent another 15 minutes trying to figure out how to get into it. It should be so simple but in my case it isn't having 2 knee replacements, both now compromised with my last fall and a hip replacement and doesn't appear too stable. In addition with my Tendonitis in both shoulders, I have no strength left whatsoever.  I am so grateful that I didn't incur any major injuries. Just a very sore right knee, and elbows  but no hematoma TG. And as of today, no obvious injuries to my shoulders.

My physical situation scares the shit out of me especially since I live alone. Maybe it was due to having a sleeping right foot which causes me great concern. Expect it is the same nerve that wakes me up at night with splayed toes on both feet facing east or west. Have to get up and walk around to get rid of the cramps. No doubt due to my surgeries and all the scar tissue accumulated from 5 major episodes or Ruptured discs. I was diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis. ( Narrowing of the Spinal Canal)  I have no recall of what casued the fall, it happened too quickly. As I had just come in from a walk outside and putting my sweater on a chair, I expect I have might tripped on the sleeve left on the floor. I will never know. But accidents happen due to the unexpected. Thankfully I landed on my butt versus my face.

Bottom line.... my body is a wreck and it doesn't provide me with any sense of stability and security. Hate the way I am aging much too early, began at 50  but especially since I am alone. Who would have guessed this is how I would enter Old Age? Not me. Arch, if he is aware, would be shocked. He was so fit until the end. However, his major concern for me was around falling. Perhaps he had a premonition.

Or it was due to my first fall when I was 3 months pregnant and feeling sick after a CT scan. No connection just coincidental . I felt nauseaus and went to the bathroom. I vomited into the toilet and passed out, pitched head first into the bathtub. Fortunately I didn't hurt myself, I sure could have as all the taps were so close to my head. I could have had a concussion or worse. Arch heard it all from the bedroom and rushed in to see me lying unconcious and proceeded to retrieve me from he tub. Not an easy task with a dead weight of.200 lbs at the time. I finally revived and was put back in bed. He had to clean the entire bathroom from all the vomit that I had spewed everywhere. He got me settled into my bed with a bowl between my knees in case I needed to vomit again.

I did, passed out, unconscious, my head shot backwards and hit the headboard and once again spewed vomit all over the bed. I recovered without any injury. Poor Arch, had to change the bed etc. He never complained but was so concerned and attentive. It was undoubtedly an experience that left a profound  impact on him and became his ongoing concern. Rightfully so since it has now become the Greatest Health Risk for me. Who would ever have guessed since I was so agile and strong prior to turning before 50. Could probably have competed with any man. Still can't accept it myself.

With Arch's premontion resurfacing, I will now be more aware and become concious of every step or move I make. Sure limits one's independence. That sucks, along with all my other issues.

 ~ Tutte ~

My Treatments

My chiropracter, Mike who has taken me by the hand for over half a year in navigating the bridge of pain, free of charge, to provide some pain relief and mobility, had an accident last weekend. He belongs to a bicycle group and as they were riding, two deers jumped out in front of them. They had to scatter in order to avoid a collision which resulted in a major pile up. Mike was the only one who suffered a serious injury. Multiple factures to his collar bone. Bone protruding through the skin. Was taken to the ER where they had to insert plates and screws. His prognosis is very hopeful but for someone who spends his time using his strength to manipulate other's bodies this may take longer before he can return to work.

As a result, I won't be having treatments for at least 2 months. Not sure yet whether that is a blessing or a curse. I have been improving and hopefully will continue to without treatments. It at least will allow my body to settle in somewhat and heal. Time will tell. I will miss my visits since I always enjoyed the time I spent with him and his wife Sharon. Such a sweet couple.

~ Tutte ~

Nature is Intwined in Heart of My Being

Always has been and will be forever. The Heartbeat of my Soul. Have felt forever totally grounded there since my earliest memories. Had my first garden at the age of 4. Spent a week on a farm at 12 where I learnt to drive a tractor, milk cows and shave off their winter haircoat. Absolutely loved all aspects. Could have been happy as a farmer my entire life.

Grew up with gardens wherever we lived as a family but once I left home and moved into a room in the city, I always returned home on the weekends so I could be outside. Mowing the lawn manually, rowing my boat and fishing on the lake at sunset. The years I was unable to do that, especially when I lived in Denmark, I worked a second job at night because I had no idea what to do with myself in a confined space. I have never found a way to live in an apartment and it plagues me immensely but will be something I MUST accept as my future. I expect this is the reality for many seniors as they age, become disabled and have to move into care homes. Has always been my greatest fear but living in my last apt. I dipped my toe into the pond of nursing homes. That's how it felt to me. I will slit my wrist or do something else before I will end up there. Have been too close to that scenario as I watched my beloved mother wither for 9 years before she died. I DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN A WAREHOUSE FOR THE DYING!

Can't recreate anyting similar without being able to walk out my door and into a garden. In the distant past I found the same experience through music which I can no longer listen to because it evokes so many memories and brings me to tears. I NEVER CRY and no idea why. I expect if I let the floodgates open, I will be swept away with the torrent and unable to stop. It's a fear of mine and always has been. I wonder when that started? I expect my Father put the plug in. Perhaps an unfair assessment but I can't think of any other except perhaps that when I did, it went unacknowledged and never validated. No doubt he was the cause of most of mine along with my bully of a sister. I had no armor to protect myself as I am a passive person and was always blindsided by their abuse.

~ Tutte ~

As a Child I was an Inspiring Artist

 

I drew and painted throughout my childhood. Wanted to become a Commercial Artist but that pursuit was impossible as I had to go to work to support myself at the age of 15. I have dabbled on and off over the years. Both with graphite/coloured pencils, and Oil Paints. Much to my surpise and delight I discovered I was so much better after a furlow of 10 years. I have many in my home and in others as well so I guess they weren't too amateurish. Just never became my passion although I know I have a Talent. I eventually discovered that my passion was my gardens which became a living pallette and far more satisfying on many levels. Think about doing something again artistically but can't find the motivation. I expect that depression overrides the creative impulse. At least it has for me.

~ Tutte ~

Can't think Clearly

My thoughts/posts and inner dialogue have become so repetitive that I apologize to my readers/followers. It is just another symptom of PTSD. Those of us who suffer from this, live with a hamster wheel in our brains that runs over the same things constantly. Have no idea how to escape this constant turmoil. I need some major distraction as when I was in the Hospital for a month. Removed me completely from the same old, same old. Outside stimulation and feeling part of the bigger world is the key. Have no idea how to recreate that for the moment.

~ Tutte ~

Living in the Past makes you Homeless in the Now

If you are living in the past, you are homeless in the now. 

- Alan Cohen

This quote that just arrived in my Inbox sure resonates with me since I have little recall of the last 14 years. It's all a fog since there were no markers to create anything memorable. The only recall I have, are of my surgeries, the constant pain and the deaths of my beloved Mother, my friend Allen and my cat Myki. My memories of the first 50 years of my life are so acute in terms my sensory perceptions, ie. sights, sounds, touch and smells and what sustains me. Not much in recall of conversations. But I am a totally sensory being so no surprise. For how long can I go down that road however rich the landscape?

I am indeed homeless in the now and have no idea how to change things. A constant source of Anxiety. My existence is so far beyond my comfort zone and has been for years. I have no investment in living any longer. The pain is too overwhelming without the possibilty for some major change. I thought my recent move would help and it did briefly but it was just a small Band Aid and not enough to cover all the wounds in my heart and mind. It just made them less painful. 

I truly believe what would help the most is FAMILY. Currently that seems so illusive since both sons are distant. Grandchildren would add a totally new dimension to my life, I love babies, but don't expect that to happen either. 

I have to admit that I have countless questions as to why my life is so different from others on so many levels. No one to blame. Therefore, I don't have any anger, regrets, guilt etc. Life just happened to me in a very different way than for others in my circle of friends and associations. Nothing compared to what others suffer around the Globe.

I feel grateful that I am at peace in that aspect. Not sure what lessons I have left to learn in this classroom. No doubt if there are more, I will have to face them with the same amount of courage and stamina. Must admit that those aspects of my character are wearing thin. I always had the premonition since I was a child that I would die by the age of 70. Have no idea where that came from but that is my wish. I have lived long enough and learnt enough. 

I will leave when it happens with no regrets but a sense of accomplishment since I did the best I could. That has been my personal Mission Statement since I was 4 and had to repeat that Bible quote in Sabbath School.

~ Tutte ~

Depression

 

Wish I knew how to fix this. I stay up late because I don't want to go to bed to face another day of boredom, loneliness, depression and anxiety. I don't want to wake up for the same reasons.  My sleeping pattern has shifted once again and now wake up around noon which is very acceptable. However, because I have nothing to get up for I end up staying in bed for several more hours drifting. I always wake up from a dream state in which I have so many encounters and new experiences that it seem far more exciting than my actual reality. However, there comes a point where I can't drift any longer so I get up. The later the better.

Could I live in my dream state forever.....that would be a happy existence for me. So superior.

~ Tutte ~

My Demon PTSD

I can't believe the level PTSD has reached in the last week. I completely changed from sleeping all day to having only a couple of hours at night and awake all day. I woke up this early this moning with a high level of Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. That hasn't occurred for over a year. Have no idea why since I went to bed in a peaceful space.

Fortunately I bit the bullet last week and went to see my GP who is always so kind in giving me sample prescriptions, one of which is Ativan. It wasn't until I returned from my drive after lunch today with so much stress in my stomach that I decided to take one. I had an apt. with my Chiro later and wanted to arrive somewhat normal. I did :) What I like about this med is that it just takes the edge off, drives the butterflies away and doesn't leave me feeling like a Zombie. I don't take antidepressant on a daily basis and haven't had Ativan for over a year.
I will continue to take it even it becomes addictive since it is much better than living in the state of Anxiety that I am currently, which frightens me. I did for many years prior to my move. I didn't have any Anxiety during the entire knee process so was shocked when it re-appeared once I came home from the Hosp. It's such a devastating condition to live with since it always manifest in my body before my brain. It blindsides me. Have no idea how to resolve this condition. I can't believe the impact it has on every aspect of my life. I may write about the details in another posting. I have come to the conclusion that I have changed immensely as a result and will never be able to recapture the Tutte of the past. Have a lot of grief around that. It's a huge topic which also includes the aspect of getting old. I am not aging gracefully, certainly not in spirit. My life as I knew it, ended with the death of my beloved. Since then it's all been downhill physically and financially. I must admit that I have a need for a Psycho Therapist but so beyond anything I can afford. So once again without the financial means, I am not able to take care of my needs, whether dental, eye care or mental health.

~ Tutte ~

She's Alive... Beautiful... Finite... Hurting... Worth Dying for.

Let us not forget how beautiful our planet is with all it's diversity. It's a Jewel in the Cosmos. All of us with the right intentions can help in keeping it ALIVE.

The Canadian Rockies of BC and ALTA.

British Columbia BC. Canada is not where I was born (Denmark) but where I chose to spend the rest of my life when I was 30. My Husband came from Alberta and where my Step Kids still reside so have travelled to and fro via vehicle or aircraft. The view of the mountains from a plane is beyond words. Living with the view of these magnificent mountains from almost every angle is beyond description. Heaven on Earth. ~ Tutte ~.

The Exorcist

This brought me to tears. We all have things we would like Exorcised. I was totally mesmerized as I related to the movements. Both mentally and physically. PTSD and Grief are my personal Demons.

Struggling

A quote just arrived in my Inbox that speaks volumes to me. It is:

Why struggle to convince someone of something they're not ready to hear?  

- Alan Cohen

I became aware of how often my Internal Dialogue involves having conversations around explaining what is happening to me to my friends. Since the onset of PTSD 12 years ago and coming to the realization that no one really understands, I have isolated myself from having to explain to deaf ears. No fault of theirs since my experiences are so converse to theirs. There is no way they can possible relate. I don't want to burden them with my issues and making them feel they need to offer advice, help etc. They can't except when somethings happens on an external level that I absolutely do need help to deal with as around my lastest hospital stay.

This isolation makes me feel guilty on some level and at the same I want to protect them for having to experience a sense of helplessness. It's become a conundrum for me especially since I returned home from the Hospital. My two good friends were constantly there for me in terms of all types of help. I hope I sincerely expressed my gratitude but haven't been able to connect since my current episode of PTSD. When I am suffering so profoundly, I go into isolation and hide. I don't want to have any conversations around what is happening or my feelings nor do I want to hear any helpful advice. I just can't deal with it. I have to work this out on my own for however long it takes.  I do this by changing my internal dialogue and it takes a lot of energy, time and effort. Wish it wasn't so or that there was some magic pill.

I am currently going through a major period of Anxiety and Insomnia. Can't fall asleep regardless of how early I go to bed. When I do finally fall asleep around noon, once I get into a deep sleep, I can't wake up so end up sleeping until very late afternoon/early evening. This makes my life totally dysfunctional. Have no idea at the moment of how to change this and that adds another level of stress.

I have had to adjust to the fact that sleep whenever it occurs is profoundly important both on a mental and physical level.

Hope I will be forgiven and understood by my friends when I can once again resurface and greet the world from a peaceful place. Few understand how devastating this disease is. Will it ever go away? I doubt it since all it takes to resurface is a minor trigger. Unbelievalbe how little it takes. The bottom line is a Fear, Loss of Control, Insecurity and a multitude of things I can't pinpoint at the moment.

~ Tutte ~

My Personal Cravings

Food, the ones we all enjoy, especially the crunchy ones. The gums won't accept those. It's a huge loss. Can't even begin to describe how great an impact this has had. My incredible weight loss without dieting is a perfect indicator.

Cigarettes, still have to have a few every day but having to go outside has been a major lifestyle change that I am not happy with. Just wish I could go out on the balcony for the odd puff when the craving becomes intense. That's all I need at this point. It really has had a major impact on so many levels. Would never have done this had I not been forced to financially. I have smoked 30 cigs. a day for 55 years and yet when in the hospital and all kinds of tests, it appeared much to everyone's surprise but mine, that my lungs are clear. Haven't had a cold or cough for the last 12 years. Probably because of my isolation from the general public so not exposed to all the crap spread around by everyone else and the environment. Cigarettes has become the scapegoat IMO from having to look at all the other factors in our environment. Chemicals are present in everything we use or buy. Plastics particularly and cleaning products. Still think it would be helpful if everyone never picked up and lit the first one. I did when I was 12 and there was no information in terms of health risks. The train I took to work every morning for an hour even had special Smoking Cars. Every desk in the office was provided with an ashtray. Every armrest on a plane had one as well. It was a very acceptable aspect of normal life. In fact, it was considered the polite thing to do back then when you took out your package that you would pass it around to anyone nearby. My God how times have changed. It makes me realize how long I have lived when I can recall having no indoor toilet.

Gardening, drive around my neighbourhood every day to see what is coming into bloom and making some new discoveries. I have a balcony but no desire to have plants because my focus has always been on Perennials. Probably will never wake up in time to sit out in the morning to enjoy them. The truth is, I really have no interest this year. Perhaps if I could sit there enjoying my cup of coffee and cigarette with lovely music in the background, I would find it more enticing. Something has to shift in the way I live my life and what I can get excited about. The outlay of money is also a major concern. With the little I have monthly, do I want to get some new clothes or spend it on a few plants? I have lost so much weight that I have nothing to wear during the hot summer months.

Family, This is such a huge topic that I could write a book around my feelings. My husband is gone, all but 3 of my friends have moved away, my best friend died recently and I miss him immensely since he was the only one I could share my youth with. My step children live in another province and haven't seen them in years. They are very good about staying in touch via Email and phone for which I am very grateful. My youngest son lives in Japan and the older although only 5 minutes away, never phones or drops by. Have no idea why but it pains me greatly. The only living original family member is my sister whom I had to divorce because of her constant abuse. In truth, I have become an orphan at the age of 67. Who would have expected that? Aging is difficult enough especially with disabilities but without our children to depend on for assistance make it far worse.

Friends, I have many over the years as we all have at this stage of life. They come and go depending on circumstances. It's like a dance. I isolated myself for 11 years so although they are still in tact, somewhat, they will never as they once were. We have all changed but me especially with the onset of PTSD. Nobody could/can relate and some chose not to. I felt I had to protect them on some level so as not to burden them with my problems for which they had no solutions.

Pets, Have had cats all my life and my favorite animal of all. When I lost my beloved Myki 3 years ago to CHF, I made the decision never to have another. I could where I live now but with my health problems so uncertain, I don't want to subject a pet to an unexpected separation etc. I saw what a toll it took on Myki when he had to spend a week at my girlfriend's while I recuperated from my hip replacement.

Health, I remember so well hearing the standard saying of how important health is as we get older. Because I was so fit and strong at the time, I couldn't imagine that it would ever occur to me. Well, Lo and Behold it did at the age of 50 and my life has been forever altered. All my health problems have been skeletal versus internal. Thank God for that. I have become so insecure since my last fall that I lack confidence when I am walking. Can't believe this happened just as I was beginning to build up all my muscles after being sedentary for so many years. Have also lost confidence when driving because the nerves in my right leg have made part of my foot numb. Never quite sure of how much pressure to put on the gas or the brake because the feelings are not there. My Chiro has told me after doing some tests that my strength is still there, I just don't have the same sensation. I had two near misses in the last month and this now leaves me with a great deal of stress. If I have to give up driving, I will loose all independence I have left. No doubt, this occurs to most seniors at some point and a heartbreaking turn of events. I am much too young! to have this happen now.

A normal mouth. Have lived with a burning tongue and dry mouth now for over three years. All stress related. Over the years the saliva problem improved and then during a very stressful period, it returns. As a result of this when it first occurred, all my fillings and crowns fell out resulting in a complete removal of all my upper teeth and requiring a dental plate. It never fit right, the technician was aggressive and unhelpful and after having spent $1000, I didn't want to return for another abusive encounter. As a result I don't cook anything I can't gum because the taste has changed so dramatically. This is a huge loss as I was a gourmet cook and loved to eat. Especially all the crunchy things which I no longer can. My dream today is to win the lottery so I can have implants and once again be able to enjoy food. Food really is a constant craving that everyone can relate to. We all have our favorite and most include chewing.

Ability to read and listen to music. Two passions I have depended upon all my life to sustain me both during bad and good times. I probably read 3 books a week for 30 years and listened to music constantly. Opera was a special passion but have had a very eclectic taste. I once told my husband that my answer to the proverbial question, "What would you bring with you if you were stranded on and Island?" Most respond by stating books, but mine was music. The loss of ability to read is based in my PTSD and not being able to shut down the hamster on the wheel of my brain and focus my thoughts. I have made countless attempts over the years and have discovered I have to reread the same paragraph over and over again. This is a major loss. When I attempt to listen to all my favorite music, I end up in tears so since can't stand crying, I don't listen. I can however, with new music that doesn't conjure up past memories.

A purpose to wake up for. I have none and that is the most problematic of all. Haven't had any since I was forced to go on disability in 2000. Since then I've had a series of health/financial issues to deal with that don't allow for even thinking about doing something externally as in Charity/Volunteer work.

Ability to take pleasure in all the things that brought me joy in the past. That really speaks for itself. All of the above pretty much describe what they could have been.
Laughter. A daily stomach aching and tears rolling down the cheeks laughter that was part of my life with my husband for 20 years. Nothing is more stress relieving or joyful. Miss that more than I am fully aware. So little on the TV anymore to watch that provides for that outlet versus the 'Golden Years of Humour' during the 50's - 60's.

The lack of Anxiety and Depression.

Most of all 'peace of mind'.

I expect I could continue to add to the list as I am so unhappy with my current life and have no idea of how to fix it or make it better. The move in the last year has softened the edges and I enjoy having a living room and a couple of couches versus just my PC chair. I now have an option of where I want to sit.

PTSD is playing a major part in terms of my ability to enjoy whatever pleasures are still available to me. Since my fall it's reared it's ugly head once again and I am currently struggling. Wish there was a pill or something to relieve this burden. Expect all other sufferers feel the same. Will it ever go away.... I expect not. It's become part of the psyche. How does one erase the cause? Impossible! There will always be triggers as we encounter life and the unexpected. I am never aware of what the triggers are until a month or so later when I experience the aftermath. That is just as traumatic as the trigger. Hate this state of being.

~ Tutte ~

My Grave in the future according to my WIsh

I know this is a premature posting but just came across this photo tonight and this is how I view myself both in life and death. This is the environment in which I used to  live and to which I want to return. Can't think of a more peaceful setting to rest. No need for a casket or grave, just a few ashes sprinkled around to marry once again with the source of all beings. Mother Earth.

~ Tutte ~

Wouldn't It Be Wonderful

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could revive our deceased loved ones?
Sure wish I could as I miss them profoundly. I manage to occasionally in my dreams and that leaves me with the hope that someday we will meet again. Had amazing dreams in the last few days that included my Mom, Dad, my beloved husband Arch and best friend Allan.

An unexpected treat was my re-encounter with Barack Obama who I have become very friendly with in another dimension. I know it wouldn't occur unless I felt he was an Honourable and well intentioned human being. I know he is despite all the political discourse and rhetoric. I am not in any way influenced by US politics since I am a Canadian. I do know I recognize Authenticity when it stares me in in the face.

~ Tutte ~

Respite

After two weeks of being so innundated with Anxiety, I finally had some respite today. Still haven't figured out why but I expect it had to do with a visit to my Chiropractor and his wife. Love this couple. He is helping and providing me with a new level of comfort. Free of charge.

It's the first interaction I have had with the outside world for two weeks, my decision based on sleeping all day as a form of escape. And having nothing to get up for. We all need to wake to a purpose or productivity and I have none.

Spring is the worst season for me since I want to be outdoors from sunrise to sunset as I have been my entire life. I can't function behind walls. I do go for several drives around the neighbourhood and often come home in tears. I have made a small improvement since I couldn't open my blinds and let in the sun for the last 8 years. Gardening was my passion and have no idea what to replace it with. Does a violinist who lost an arm want to go and sit in an Orchestra Pit?

~ Tutte ~

Maurice Sendak

Aaron Renier, Herman, the big man, and myself. Photo by Lynn Caponera.

When I last visited Maurice Sendak, we took his big German Shepard, Herman for a walk, sat on a bench in the woods, and for over two hours discussed how elusive happiness is for an artist, the difficulty in waking our muses, the impossibility of not continuing to always create and express ourselves, the challenge and imperative of being truthful to kids, loss, death, life, beauty. The whole of our love for life and creating.

Maurice talked about the new book he was working on. “It’s about a nose,” he said. 

We both felt the idea of dropping dead at our drawing boards to be a pretty acceptable way to go.

And now he is gone.

At a time in my life when I am exploring new ways of communicating, and seeking deeper, more worthy things to communicate, Maurice was to me a shining example of courage and depth and intelligence. I’ve never met anyone more brilliant and intuitive about creating children’s books. As his long time editor Ursula Nordstrom wrote to him: “You have a vast and beautiful genius.”

On that last visit, I presented him with my book PETUNIA GOES WILD, about a little girl frustrated with the limitations and rules that come with being a human child. Petunia decides that being a wild animal would be a more satisfactory way to live and attempts to ship herself somewhere wild and free. Of course, upon reflection, she eventually chooses the certainty and comfort of home and mom, but does manage to create for herself a place where she can express her soul safely.

Maurice read through the book, chuckling in the right places, appreciating this drawing, that phrase. But when he came to the end, he closed the book, looked at me and said only three words: “She didn’t capitulate.”

Typically, Maurice had gone right to the essence of my intention for the book. Instantly and concisely he had unearthed the core. As a book creator, I have had no more deeply satisfying moment than that.

Many of you have seen Stephen Colbert’s interview with Maurice. Yes, Maurice could be delightfully wicked and sharply funny. But he was also a deeply serious, sensitive and generous man. As another Sendak Fellow Antoinette Portis so beautifully described him: “Maurice is the most endearing combination of grouch and Love-bomb.”

Not long ago I talked with Maurice on the phone. He was feeling pretty down, as he had had cataract surgery some days before, and wasn’t healing as quickly as he hoped. But with his wry sense of humor intact, he grumbled to me his plans to sit in a chair in front of his house holding a tin can, asking for change from passers by because he couldn’t see to work.

Dang you, Maurice. How am I to see through these tears?

Blowing My Stack

My PTSD tonight is driving me to distraction and makes me feel like I am about to Explode. It's terrifying until I can talk myself down to a more acceptable level.  Don't wish this on anyone but know countless others are suffering from the same. The outside world has no idea of how to deal with it or provided comfort. It has to be lived and experienced.
It's a living Nightmare.

~ Tutte ~

PTSD

Can't believe that PTSD has reared it's ugly head once again. This occurred after my fall and my return home from the hospital. Very traumatic and unexpected and the speed with which every happened and the seriousness of my injury. My fall certainly was as was my month's hospital stay. It is only in the aftermath that one discoveres all the after effects. So much pain from my back and shoulders. (The Chiro is helping TG) I have had plenty and so pissed off since I thought I had come a long way. I expect it is a disease that will go into remission until another event happens to trigger all the responses. What a sentence to have for the rest of my life. Of course I empathize with everyone else who suffers. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. My heart bleeds for all the wounded returning Troops.

~ Tutte ~

Oliver

I am very happy to announce that two new books I have written about a shy little guy named Oliver will be published by Hyperion. 

The brilliant and so-nice-to-work-with Rotem Moscovich will be my editor. We’re very near to finishing the first book, OLIVER AND HIS ALLIGATOR, which will be available in the summer of 2013.

The Dalai Lama on Humanity

This is truth at it's core. Something we should imbed in our minds and use as a guiding post on a daily basis.

~ Tutte ~

A Little Act of Kindness

I went out for a few puffs tonight despite the rain and discovered the pavement full of earthworms being swept away with the flow of water. I managed to rescue about a dozen and threw them on the lawn where they immediately began burrowing down into the earth. I felt gratified by my small effort. I always worry about bending over for fear of another fall. The danger to myself never occurred until I returned to my Apt.

How converse to all the years when I would go slug hunting in the evening with a spade in hand so I could cut them in half. At the time I thought that was more compassionate than pouring salt on them to let them dissolve. I remember vividly one evening, I killed over 700. I lived on an acreage and they came out like an army to forage every night. My motivation was to keep them off my vegetable patch and all my gorgeous plants. Still don't have any regrets since it was necessary. However tonight, I felt quite joyful that I could save a few lives. Worms irrigate our soil and leave their droppings as a fertilizer.

Makes me wonder now, how I was ever able to dig them up and thread them on a fishing hook and watch them squirm. I couldn't today.

I suppose we are capable of almost anything if there is a need for food. I take issue with doing that for pleasure. Thankfully, for most of us in the Western World that isn't a requirement. However, I am very aware that it may not be an option for all those who work in the meat/poultry industries and I have no idea how they are capable of doing that 24/7. I can't possibly imagine how they are able to cope with that on any level except as a means to provide for their families.  I don't  want to think about that any further. It's too painful and I don't have an answer.

And yet, I am somewhat of hypocrite since I still enjoy meat from time to time. Could I be capable of killing anything if I was starving? That is a question most of us are not faced with thank god but I expect I would/could. We hear stories of people who canebalize under extreme situations and due to starvation. Who are we to judge? I always think of "Walking in another shoes." Survival is the primordial instinct embedded within all life forms on the planet. So grateful that I have never been faced with that level of survival.

~ Tutte ~

Subsequent to this post, I will add that I was out later tonight and saw a huge black slug slowly crossing the pavement, I kicked him into the nearest patch of earth. Later when I returned to the same location and wanted an affirmation that I hadn't done him any harm, I discovered that he was happily procreating with a fellow slug. They are hermaphrodites BTW.