I Was Told Every Day

My Beloved Arch told me every day that he Loved Loving Me. Is there a greater gift that any person can receive? It is really what everyone is yearning for. I have been truly blessed.

Click on it anyway and you will be able to see it on YouTube.

~ Tutte ~

The Best Way to Begin the New Year. I did in the Distant Past

Happy New Year

I love this picture because it depicts to me, the struggles
encountered by so many Globally and their desire for change.
Their courage and sacrifice to stand up for freedom and democracy
should inspire us all to lend our support.
Hopefully the New Year will provide for their comfort.

~ Tutte ~

Pearl makes a list

Hugs from Pearl makes Betsy Bird's list of magnificent picture books of 2011. A big hug and thank you for Betsy!

Loneliness

I came across this picture years ago and saved it because I felt such empathy for this women. Tonight as I was out after midnight in the dark to have a few puffs of a cigarette, that image emerged in my mind and I identified with her completely. Profound Loneliness and Lack of Purpose or Productivity is the worst disease of all and I expect most seniors feel the same. That was also expressed by Mother Teresa who walked the streets amongst the poorest and most lonely.

~ Tutte ~

The Rose sung by LeeAnn Rimes

My longest and dearest girlfriend sang this at Arch's Memorial Service. Have always loved this song and this is a beautiful presentation.

~ Tutte ~

Christmas

This is a Very Unsentimental image but that is how I view this Season.

It has no meaning for me whatsoever any more as I have had to celebrate it by myself for the ? years. Xmas is about sharing, giving, receiving and in the company of our loved ones. Most are no longer present or available and since I don't believe in the birth of Christ at this time of year is doesn't have are religious aspect either.

However, I remember so vividly with loving memories, all the magical Xmas's of the past. My beloved Arch was a living embodiment of Santa Clause. He absolutely loved the season. He cooked, baked, bought present and wrote magical and funny notes to accompany everyone. He had such a fantastic sense of humour. The note would bring more pleasure than the gift. Christmas without him, is NOT Christmas.

God, how I miss him. Still...... and always will.

~ Tutte ~

out of the box

A couple of nice new reviews for PETUNIA GOES WILD, due out late January.

From Kirkus:

Petunia decides she’s more animal than girl (RARH!).

Human behavior requires too much structure: cleanliness, clothing, combing, quiet. Petunia enacts all these banalities, all these “hafta[s],” in an effective spread of c-sounds and frowny-faces. Tiny expressions relay her utter exhaustion with people rules (as well as her joy in running bare-bottomed!). Children will empathize, as they know what it’s like to have a wild impulse crushed for millionth time. Careful! After gobbling breakfast off the floor, growling at neighbors and bathing in a mud puddle, Petunia asks to become the family pet, helpfully holding up a leash and collar. Her parents’ response suffocates an entire page, filling it with fuming type and angry large letters that gradually dwindle in size but not quantity. This visual tune-out of a parental rant works well optically and rings true to young ears, too. Schmid’s suggestive charcoal drawings and purple watercolor accents enjoy lots of white space and clever compositional placement. A mellow orange highlights the animal kingdom (Petunia’s pinned-on tiger tail, stuffed animals and the scrawled words MAIL TO AFRICA on a child-sized box). Her mother’s singing in the kitchen draws Petunia back to her human house, but readers sense Petunia will always remain a little feral.

Simple illustrations convey a simple truth: children love to run wild! (Picture book. 3-7)

And from the School Library Journal:

The spunky protagonist of A Pet for Petunia returns with an existential dilemma in this unexpectedly simple yet satisfying tale. Convinced that she should have been born an animal, the precocious preschooler eats her breakfast off the floor, roars at passing strangers, and bathes in mud puddles. Her parents find her request for a cave to live in horrendous and her suggestion that she be their pet drives them to distraction. For Petunia, though, life as a human is just “too… clean. Too careful. Too clothed. Too combed. Too quiet. Too… hafta.” She packages herself into a box labeled “mail to Africa.” The sound of her mother singing in the kitchen causes her misgivings, and she creeps silently back to the kitchen, where milk and cookies are waiting for her. Schmid has crafted a fun, well-paced read-aloud. Though never depicted, Petunia’s parents are aptly realized through their few pages of wordy counter-dialogue. Petunia, on the other hand–with her wild hair and tiger tail pinned to her striped purple dress–is adorably rendered in Schmid’s charismatic charcoal drawings. The art plays a key role in the subtle sense of humor being conveyed, as when the girl peeks around a corner with just her human face and tiger tail on display. With a passionate struggle and simultaneous weakness for the comforts of being a human child, Petunia will charm children and adults alike.–Jayne Damron, Farmington Community Library, MI

Maksim Mrvica - Child in Paradise

Since childhood, I wanted to be either a Pianist, an Opera Singer or an Artist. Sadly never had the opportunity to do either. Have dabbled in the Arts via painting and drawing and then discovered it wasn't my passion. Instead, I used my gardens as my living palette and had the pleasure of doing that for over 25 years. That became my passion and where I found Peace, no matter what stressor were happening. Loosing that is my second greatest loss. My hubby being the first.

When I discovered this Video I became fascinated by the speed and dexterity that is involved with playing at his level. Years and years of practise no doubt. Love this piece of music because of the build up of tension.

~ Tutte ~

Music

Music had been such a huge part of my life and sadly I haven't been able to listen for years because the old and familiar brought up so much pain and tears. Today, I need new music to create new memories and I recently discoverd the piece of music below. I have become quite addicted to it because it is so peaceful. I often play it before I go to bed to calm me down.

~ Tutte ~

Maksim Mrvica - Claudine original

ONE OF THE GREATEST POSTS ON YOUTUBE SO FAR!

Relate totally with the message. Charlie Chaplin introduced it.

~ Tutte ~

Just discovered how to imbed videos into my blog. So simple and will use it frequently I expect.

~ Tutte ~

wild review

A nice new review from Publishers Weekly for my nice new book out in February, PETUNIA GOES WILD.

In her previous book, Petunia wanted a pet, but now she wants to be one. Donning a tiger tail, she eats her breakfast off the floor, bathes in mud, and insists that her parents find her a cave. Being human is just “Too careful. Too clothed. Too combed. Too quiet.” Her parents don’t understand, but Petunia learns that there are a few perks to being human, after all. Schmid uses naïf crayon lines to convey Petunia’s gentle disobedience and frustration over life’s boundaries. Readers who would rather eat under the table will find an ally in this shrewdly playful heroine.

The Golden Years

What an Illusion for me but obviously not for others. So happy on their behalf. That is how it should be.

~ Tutte ~

The Void Within

Discovered the following that I wrote in 2009 and it remains true today. Wish it wasn't so but have no idea how to change anything. With what do I replace the loss of all my loved ones? Most departed and others living far away. I have become an orphan without any family nearby for support and comfort. No one to share memories with. As we become seniors that is an enormous need.

I just have to write this down since it is the first time that it has finally reached a concrete level of awareness for me.

The only way I can describe it is to say, that I feel this huge craving/void that starts from my throat and descends to the pit of my stomach. It constantly needs to be fed but regardless of what I put into it, whether by smoking, drinking, food, chocolates, music, etc. etc. it won't go away. IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!!!! I haven't found a way to feed it. It feels like a cancer......! Always looking for a source of nourishment and coming up with nothing. It began 30 years ago with the constant episodes of being in survival crisis, the death of Arch and my boys leaving home, it slowly began eroding my skin and bones until it left me disabled. Then to my mouth that has left me without the pleasure of enjoying food. The question now becomes, how much further will it grow in order to be fed? To my mind, heart and brain until they finally succumb to the terrors it imposes on me?

I suspect it could be diagnosed as Loneliness and lack of stimulation, isolation, love, touch, joy and hope. Without real empathy and understanding from anyone, and I say that respectfully since no one can walk in my shoes, I don't have an avenue to reach out.

At the moment, I have no idea how to resolve this......I believe I know what could but I don't have the means. On a moment to moment basis, I am having to suppress my emotions, desires and what little hope I have left but that is not a way to live. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to a sliver of optimism and hope that there is a light at the end of this forevever long tunnel. I am coming to the end.............how long will it take for me to find a release????????????? I wish I could end it here and now but I JUST CAN'T.

I wrote this before my move and was in utter despair. Thankfully my external environment has improved (not the financial restraints that stifle me from doing what I wish) but that doesn't change the internal one. Now that it Xmas Season the loneliness is such much more pronounced. Detest the month of December for many reasons.

~ Tutte ~

Nudity

I have no desire at my age to expose my naked body to someone I have not been intimate with since my youth. I expect most widows as they age, feel the same. It doesn't diminish the desire and the loneliness.

In response to a conversation I had with my Chiropractor's wife who works in the office and discussing aging, I responded to her statement of not being the golden years, by saying "NO, They are God Damned Rusty".

~ Tutte ~

Everything

It's the weekend again and memories are flooding over me.

~ Tutte ~

'Tis The Season

~ Tutte ~

Masks

We all wear them. There is the one for the public, one for family/friends and then perhaps the most important of all.....the one we wear to hide from ourselves. The most difficult to confront and discard.

~ Tutte ~

A Memory

36 years ago this week while on my honeymoon in Hawaii sitting on a beach with my beloved, we were awestruck by the size of the waves (30 - 40 feet) and the skill of the surfers.

A fellow was knocked off his board and desperately tried to reach the shore but the undertow kept pulling him back out. The crowd on the beach kept shouting words of encouragement and he finally managed to with some strength and breath left. Perhaps just a will to live. The medics arrived and he survived. Frightening to witness. These people have a lot of courage.

Sometimes when the surf becomes too big in our own lives, we MUST hang on until we are rescued. Most of us are thankfully. A good reminder in all aspects of life experiences.

~ Tutte ~

The Future?

I have been looking through the fog of the past 7 years with PTSD and am beginning to realize what a profound effect this has had on me now that it is in the past. I can say that now because I have NOT had a major Anxiety episode since I moved 5 months ago. Thank God. However, there is so much residue left that I still have to deal with. The constant influx of negative thinking that laid down pathways in the brain that need to be rewired. I continue to remind myself to be patient. It ain't gonna happen overnight. It's all baby steps but am so grateful that I have reached a point where that is an option for me.

~ Tutte ~

A Desire Within Myself

I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy;
the most profitable explanation is that I was made for another world.

C. S. Lewis

Have always felt that way as long as I can remember. Didn't want to come in and it took my mother 11 days of labour to eject me bruised and disformed. Fortunately the evidence disappeared. Have never felt like I was a fit. Still don't. I think and view the world so differently.

~ Tutte ~

Butterflies

We should be like butterflies,

and have the courage to face the metamorphosis of life,

to be free …

~Author Unknown ~

How Much Longer?

I continue with my visits to my Chiropractor and it's become a very interesting and painful experience. I am in more pain today versus what I had when I went for the first visit. He forwarned me that it would be a 'Tug of War' and IT IS!!! Today I have been in so much pain especially in my right shoulder that I could barely pick up a cup of coffee. The movement is becoming very limited and what I feared the most. I don't want another frozen shoulder.

At the moment the pain is radiating into the middle of my back and keeps shifting all the time. At times it becomes unbearable and am so ready to give up the fight. I know I won't but GOD, what a painful process.

~ Tutte ~

bellicose bunnies

These are my first exploratory sketches developing the styling on a new character. I worked at these on and off at my book signing last weekend. The bunnies have come a long way since then, but I don't have anything to show just yet.

Memories are Reflected Everywhere

book signing

Get on down to Bellevue Art and Frame this Saturday. I will be reading and signing my books from noon to 4pm, so stop by and say hello. --Oh, and buy lots of books too.

http://www.bellevueartandframe.com/

speechless

I just rewrote the same sentence nearly 40 times.

I think I've got it now.