A Brighter Outlook

I haven't posted since prior to my move. As with most moves, there were major hurdles and frustration to overcome. I also got scammed by the cleaning lady I had hired who did a terrible job so I lost my damage deposit. The mover came 3 hours late and stretched it as long as possible since they were being paid by the hours so didn't arrive in my new apartment until 9 o'clock at night and I paid too much. As a result the hook up for my cable didn't occur because I wasn't here. I was left without a phone or my PC for 3 days which sent me into major withdrawals but finally got the problem resolved. Discovered during the process of unpacking, a box containing some great items had been damaged and my things were broken. But worse than that is that my beautiful credenza has developed a problem so I can't close the sliding doors. Can't replace what has been broken and not yet sure if the problem with my furniture can be repaired.



In the first two weeks, I have had some issues with the manager who asked me if I was a smoker and I said no. From previous experiences I knew when I was initially asked if I was a smoker, I had to lie otherwise renting would have been denied me. Never expected to the the subject of descrimination. She had some suspicion since my clothes and belongings must have smelt of smoke. When asked I admitted that I was a smoker and that I had moved into a non smoking building because I desperately wanted to quit. She didn't believe me and hassled me constantly. However now 3 weeks later and with countless visits to my apt. she has finally come to realize I have never had a puff in here. I want this space to be sweet smelling and I fully intend to leave this habit behind. I simply can't afford it otherwise I never would. It's been my constant companion and soother when times were so difficult for me. I still venture out several times a day to have a puff or two when the urge becomes overwhelming. I think in total I have smoked 4 packs in the last 3 weeks. The truth is that they don't taste very good any longer and they burn my tongue. I know I will be able to totally quit once my home has been put together and I adopt a new lifestyle. Both physically and mentally.



Have unpacked and washed everything so now only my brass left to polish. Purchased a pair of loveseat and once they arrive, I will be able to finish decorating. I don't think a place ever really feels like home until the paintings and pictures are hung. However, I can foresee what a peaceful space this will become. It's an old building so many things I wish were different but it certainly surpasses the new building I lived in for the last 7 years. I will make adjustments. No doubt will have to rearrange things in the kitchen once I begin to find out what isn't working in terms of being an efficient workspace.



I am having some major issues with feeling restless and very lonely. That at the same time with an increase in activity and reconnecting with an old friend. No doubt not smoking on a regular basis is a major factor, not feeling at home yet, and then the enormous change from the last 7 years. Before I moved I tried not to project what expectations I had for the future and somewhat fearful that the PTSD and depression would follow me. So far it hasn't but sense some aspects are creeping in. I know it takes time to rewire the brain from years of such negative thinking so I must be patient.



I walk many times a day and am slowly rebuilding my strength and stamina. Will continue doing that. I love the neighbourhood. I feel as if I left an institution for the elderly on the outskirts of town and moved into an alive and breathing neighbourhood. There is a house across the street with 3 children so I hear all the squeals and laughter that young children make. I have missed that so much.



Will post more another time.



~ Tutte ~

Petunia in New York!

Well, a review in The New York Times books section at least.

A Reminder

As I was sorting through my cupboards I came across the box that contains my beloved mothers ashes. I put them on top of the fridge so I wouldn't forget them. Every time I look at them my heart does a flip flop and twists. I guess that is why I have wanted to keep them out of my sight versus having them in an Urn somewhere in constant view.

Years before my Mom died, I promised to keep them until I died and then have both of ours buried with my husband who was buried at the bottom of his mother's grave. It seems so appropos that the four of us should eventually rest in peace in the same space. He adored his mother who died when he was 15 and cried every time he mentioned her. I adored mine and Arch and I adored each other. What could be a better conclusion? Of course I believe we will all rejoin in some space and time far from this earthly experience, but seems perfect for our earthly experience. My sons thought I was being morbid. I view it very differently.

It was intended as reminder to my step children and my own who may not have been aware of my wishes so they can follow through with them, when the times comes. One has to be practical and make one's wishes known from time to time as we all tend to forget, especially when it is a topic that doesn't come up for discussion very often. I don't think I ever told my boys but have to my step-children who would have to take care of everything since they live relatively close by.

It needed to be stated however, just like a Living Will. Items we choose not to think about but might be forced to. It's just good to know. We should all express our wishes in writing to someone.

The above picture was taken when we laid my beloved's headstone at the feet of his mother's.

~ Tutte ~

Addiction

I deliberately set myself up to have my addiction stolen from me by moving into a No Smoking Apt. I have bought a box of Nicotine patches and a pkg. of cigarettes in case I become overly distraught. To move, sleep in a new environment that doesn't feel like home is very stress inducing.....but I WANT to quit so thought this was a great motivator.

If I become overly stressed, I can go out into the parking lot and have a puff. Smoking on the balcony is not allowed. I am also so unfortunate in having the manager live next to me. Sort of like living with the No Smoking Police I guess.

Will let you know how it goes. But this way I have no choice and truthfully, I so desire to have open my door to a sweet smelling apt. and have no more yellow stains to deal with anywhere.

~ Tutte ~

Emerging

It's time to count down. Only 2 more days to go before I can extricate myself from the brambles of my current confinement.

It's been a long and very difficult exercise due to my lack of energy, stamina and pain so I am glad I got a head start.

Now the most difficult job is ahead of me and that is packing all the crap we don't know what to do with and doesn't fit in a box.

All else is in place in terms of Utilities, PC, etc. for the day I move in. I know for sure my priority is to get my PC and TV set up first since those are my comfort zones. I will be unpacking and cleaning for days/weeks to come but I will need my evenings to relax....and escape.

Have not been able to sleep very well but expect that will shift once I can wake up with the sun shining in my face. That is my desire and should be possible in my new location.

Will update as things progress.

~ Tutte ~

The Hour Glass

The hours of my confinement are slowly fading. I find this a most difficult period in terms of my transition. I have so many mixed feelings. Can't sleep, wake up making lists of what needs to be done and trying to envision my future life. The lists are easy but the future is a total unknown. I am so tired from this entire exercise that has lasted months.

I just want to sleep forever. But, I have accomplished much of what was necesary up until today. Still some things to pack. Getting closer to my goal. Can't belive how long this is taking me. I used to be able to pack up a 3200 sq. ft. home in a week and this small 450 sq. ft. place has taken me months. Of course it's due to my disabilities and lack of energy. I find this totally frustating. Sick to death of having this running in the background all the time but so superior to the suicidal thoughts I had in the past. That is a huge blessing. Today I am future thinking. Something I haven't been able to do for the last 10 years.

I now have 13 days before the move. All moves are stressful but with this one, I won't have the comfort of a drink and a cigarette to calm me down. Have no idea how I will manage. It will certainly create a very different experience. I try not to think too far ahead. I do look forward to having a sweet smelling home and the savings in my bank account. It's why I chose a NS apt. It will provide the impetus for me to quit a 50 year old expensive habit.

Will update in the future how I manage this move, the ups and downs but everything is in place except for what I still need to do.

I just want to sleep but expect that once I have moved in, a new level of energy will surface in order to create the Nest I have longed for, for so many years. I hope that will provide a level of energy that is currently lacking.

~ Tutte ~

Tentative Decision

This has been a long an ardous journey but tonight I made the decision to move on the 27th of this month. I think I need that deadline to put me into action in terms of the final details of what needs packing etc. It will also allow the mover and the cleaning lady not to feel pressured by the end of the month when everyone moves. However, since I can move in from the 20th I have enough leeway to make it all work out.

To change subject, my stepdaugter who has been living in Bali for the last six months phoned and we had a 2 hour chat. Totally delightful to hear her voice again after so many months. We share such a long history together. 30+ years although we didn't live in the same Province. She was in Love with her Dad and recognized I was as well so we bonded immediately. We both wanted Arch to be happy. It's been a great relationship as had been mine with his other two children.

I have been truly blessed in having so many loving and supportive people in my life. That is what sustains us ultimately.

~ Tutte ~