Always Something Positive to Focus On.

We just have to be diligent in finding something however small or incidental. I looked at all the fall leaves that rained down today by winds and marvelled at the myriad of colors. Nature is so magical.

~ Tutte ~

Time is the Healer or Is It????

I do know that it heals the sting of disappointments and physical pain. Thank God or women would only have one child. However, there are other types of pain that get buried out of necessity. The scars remain and the pain can be easily triggered by the most incidental things. Ask any PTSD sufferer.

~ Tutte ~

Western Culture Growing Fat on the Backs of Child Labour.

This image expresses my feelings. No need to say more.

~ Tutte ~

If I Can't Keep Holding On...

Here is the Target

If only someone would shoot me. NOW. I need release from my pain & suffering.

I am in so much pain and have been for weeks. Tonight it has become unbearable. My upper body is on fire, every ligament in my shoulders and upper back are so tight it feels like they are ready to snap. They crackle when I move. The bottom of my shoulder blades feel like they are inundated with boils. No pain killers or my magical massage machine seems to help at the moment. I don't know how much longer I can live with this intensity of pain. Yet, have done it in the past when I had my ruptured discs and thought I would loose my mind. I eventually managed to heal myself via Ibuprofen and a heating pad but it took weeks.

Why is this happening to me???? Again? Especially now that I have found a lovely home to live in. It boggles my mind. No doubt it is due to stress and the current one is my attempt to give up smoking and the sneaking around for the odd puff. The underlying factor is my everlasting grief. That will remain with me forever regardless of my external circumstances. How does one overcome that profound sense of loneliness and longing. As Mother Teresa stated, the greatest pain is that of loneliness. I now know that to be true and witness it in the expressions on the faces of so many people I encounter on a daily basis as I live in a community largely populated by the aging, especially women who have been widowed.

This attempt to quit smoking is a far greater challenge than I had envisioned and must be affecting me to a far greater degree and at a deeper level than I expected. There is no doubt that the entire way I spend my time has been altered to the extreme. Having had my soother within a hand's reach for 50 years and now no longer there is a HUGE loss in terms of my comfort level. It's another great loss of a close and ever present friend and comforter.

I had to express my thoughts in order to help let them go and didn't want to burden my friends so have used this avenue tonight. No one can help me anyway and they would feel helpless but make some attempt to offer words of comfort. It wouldn't be fair to them.

Will update and hopefully with some good news.

~ Tutte ~

Wishes

Some of our wishes will remain bottled up forever. However, IMO it is just fine to uncork the bottle and have a sniff of them occasionally. They remind of us our unfulfilled desires. They are part of who we are regardless. Unless they cause too much distress, do it. The experience will always be bittersweet if not painful. I expect the latter is often the case. Especially as we get older and have more history under our belt. When in the mood or have the courage, I uncork mine. Always happy I did however painful.

~ Tutte ~

Trick

I had hoped that I would be able to treat myself by quitting and I did for 2 days. Felt quite proud but today, I experienced the trick of my own thinking and rationalization. I just couldn't keep it up. Perhaps because I have not been sleeping due to a pinched nerve in my neck and that seems enough stress to deal with for the moment. This problem has been going on for weeks so must see a chiropractor ASAP. My back is tied in knots on either side of my spine and my shoulder and upper arms are on fire. It feels much like a ruptured disc but less severe. I have Spinal Stenosis due to all the scar tissue built up over years of suffering from 5 ruptured discs in my lower back. The worst pain I have ever suffered.

Hope to make another attempt to quit shortly. I have to. Can't afford to smoke.

~ Tutte ~