Another Miracle Happened to ME

I just went out for my last smoke of the night and saw an SUV parked by the curb with a light that showed some body action within and then dimmed. I became concerned as it seemed somewhat unusual and wondered if there was a problem. My focus what there and I forgot to look where I was going and fell. Didn't trip on anything. It happened out of the blue. I couldn't believe it. NOT AGAIN! Didn't hurt myself but had no idea how to get up. I inched my way to the curb by rocking my hips and realized that there wasn't enough leverage for me to get up. My fear is not so much about falling but the fact that I can't get up when I do without leverage. I no longer have any strength in my arms and can't put weight on my knees. A very helpless situation.

My only option then was to butt crawl my way to the side of the SUV and knock on the window. I did that many times without any response even though I called for help, said I fell and couldn't get up and if they didn't want to help me, to at least call 911. I got no response and so had to come up with another idea. I butt crawled towards the front of the SUV thinking that if I could grab on to the front wheel and the side mirror, I would have some leverage to pull myself up.

Lo and behold, out of the darkness, two young girls, "Angels" walked towards me to ask if they could help. This was now 4 AM and neither were dressed for the cold temp. I couldn't believe it when I saw them a few feet away from me... coming out of nowhere. They said they lived in an apt. close by but it didn't ring true. There was no reason for them to be out so late and inappropriately dressed. Oh well, I don't want to project something I know nothing about. I've lived here for over a year and going out for late night walks to have a puff have never run into anyone. This was NOT a mere coincidence IMO.

They grabbed both arms and helped me up and escorted me back to my front door. Of course I hugged and thanked them profusely as they were shaking from the cold.

I am still in a state of shock and disbelief that this just happened to me. Every time I go out at night for a puff, I always ask God to look after me and keep me safe as I have such a fear of falling. Under very unusual circumstances He/She/It did tonight. It all seems like such a miracle that these two beings came out of nowhere to help me. We occasionally hear stories like this on the TV but never expect to have that type of encounter personally. I am so grateful I did and once again as in the past when I have found myself in the most extreme situations, someone always comes to my aid. Interestingly, they have all been young women. I am not making any type of statement, just an observation.

I had to write this down while it was so fresh in my mind. Thankfully at the moment, I am not in any pain but no doubt, will have some bruises tomorrow. So thankful tonight that I landed on my butt versus my knees.

'Angels' are always beside me.

~ Tutte~

Pearl in Korean

Pearl is an international star!

Chained to the Past

I just realized that I haven't written anything for over a month. I expect much has to do with my new Meds. After my knee injury and a month in the hospital, I went into a major PTSD episode and all the old tapes that ran through my mind for the last 10 years resurfaced. I spent several months again in isolation trying to deal with it until I had to acknowledge I needed help. That isn't easy for me, never has been since I have always had to deal with all my problems by myself. I realized I no longer had the ability to quite the voices in my brain that made me feel I was going insane. So frightening since it leaves one without any sense of control.

I made the decision to seek help via my MD who offered me a new free Med. It has helped enormously in terms of relieving all the Anxiety that has been so debilitating but now after several months, have noticed a change in my brain function. I don't feel like I am a Zombie as with some past meds, nor in some state of 'fog' but there are definitely some changes. Most for my benefit in that it relieves my Anxiety and I don't wake up with Suicidal thoughts. In fact, most of the time, I am in a relatively peaceful space. The downside of this drug is that my mind is not as crisp, I have a difficult time problem solving, concentration, writing or becoming reflective. This is a huge challenge since I am having major problems with my personal Website and don't seem to have the motivation to correct the problem. I have a subscriber list of people who have received my daily quotes for over 5 years and have expressed how much the miss them. That should be enough of a motivation and yet it seems not. I loved creating them and miss that daily exercise that could take up to 2 hours so I have yet to understand why the motivation has gone. I guess I will have to examine the positives and negatives of this MED. I just know I don't want to return to that state of Extreme Anxiety again if I can help it. It will a come down to some of a trade off I guess. I expect I will choose to live with less Anxiety.

On a positive note, I have made friends with a delightful and humorous British couple here in my Apt. building and we run into each other almost every day and spend at least half an hour if not more, together. There is a wonderful story behind all this but for the moment, suffice to say, that after so many years, I have a new FRIENDS. Never expected that to happen.  We are smokers and if we didn't have to go outside the building to have a puff we would probably never have met.

I have become acquainted with many other nice people and this Apt. It is full of them. How lucky am I. This Apt. has a nice mix of young and old and I love that. In the last place I lived it was full of Seniors over 70 that I felt so out of touch. I moved in there when I was 58 and it felt like I had moved into an Old Folks home. I was much too young in mind and spirit. Stayed away from them since they loved to gossip.  I became aware of a minor gap between the years. I think that will become less so in the future as we remain more youthful and Tech savy.  As I just wrote that, I realize that I have already been left behind in the dirt on the path to Technology. I can't keep up. A generational gap for sure.

Just received an invitation to meet up with 5 of my old girlfriends for a cup of tea in two weeks so I look forward to that. I have so little to look forward to so this is a huge blessing.

~ Tutte ~

Leap of Faith

Sometimes grace is the answer. Sometimes strength. Sometimes trust. And sometimes a LEAP OF FAITH is all that is needed. That little voice that tells you, "everything will be fine, just go for it"... listen, LEAP... so much beauty lies on the other side of fear. Source Unknown.

This has been a helpful approach for me in the past with all my struggles. Requires often, more than we think we are capable of doing. All require a great deal of courage and belief in oneself. When we do, we grow and expand. Magic happens.

~ Tutte ~

on my honor

In my youth I was a Boy Scout. I earned the rank of Eagle Scout and was elected a member of the Order of the Arrow.

I had long felt Scouting was an excellent program, I learned much which benefitted me in life.

Last month the Boy Scouts reaffirmed a policy which I deem unacceptably out-of-date and prejudicial: a ban on any members, child or parent, who are gay.

I am fortunate to know very many excellent, honorable human beings. Some just happen to be gay. The idea of any of my good friends being excluded from a thing merely because of whom they may fall in love with is appalling to me and at the same time really silly too.

As if we have an excess of love in the world.

Sure, the Scouts are entitled to whatever policy they choose. They are and have always been a private organization, with a long connection to a religious belief system. 

Yet for me, so long as they continue to function with what I feel is a dark-ages mentality, so long as their policies are based on mistaken morals, I am compelled to distance myself from the group.

Therefore, I am returning my Eagle Scout medal as a small way of protest. It is in the mail to them, a faded, tarnished symbol of outdated thinking, prejudice and intolerance. It is no longer the badge I earned.

Paul Schmid

WEB

I went out earlier to have few puffs and returned to my spot under a portico in a nearby building. I had been there a few hours earlier and noticed a 1/3 " little white spider whose web had been destroyed by an obvious previous capture. I began watching it begin to reconstruct it's web. It was a mind expanding experience in terms of engineering and determination. I have looked at spiders and their webs all my life and found them fascinating creatures, but this experience was an awakening experience for me. Just to be able to observe the reconstruction and then an hour later when I returned to see how it had recreated it was really awe inspiring. I watched as it's little feet moved along one thread and laid down another a 1/4 of an inch beyond and continued to do that with every turn. I'm sorry I missed the point where he realized it was time to change the direction from horizontal to vertical.

Upon my return when I saw it complete and he was happily resting in the middle of his web, waiting for another food supply,  I was reminded of how similar that is to all life. We encounter setbacks, tragedies etc. and yet there is something within us that provides the impetus to rebuild and recreate. It's all a matter of survival.

~ Tutte~

Discouraged

I can't believe after feeling such confidence in the improvement via my legs that an unexpected event occured the other night while walking. Something happened within my left knee. The one that took the brunt of my last fall and I had surgery on. It was a very painful and anxiety provoking experience since it felt like my knee was going to buckle and I would fall. My worst nightmare. Thank God I didn't but inched my way home very carefully. I laid low the next day and walked with a cane the following when I had to go out. Yesterday, I felt a great deal of improvement and then today, something shifted again and am becoming increasingly concerned that there is something wrong with my knee replacement. As usual, I procrastinate going to a doctor. I tend to think that my body will heal itself and in most cases it does. However, if there is something wrong with the mechanics, it won't and I will have to revisit my Ortho Surgeon. 

My worst fear at the moment is that I will need to have the knee replacement replaced with a full one. There is also something wrong with my right knee but acceptable and not too painful. I am also aware that a partial replacement has a certain longevity and it's now been 12 years and with such a major fall, it may speed up the process. I just can't stand the idea of having to undergo more surgeries and a painful period of recovery. Living alone makes this very challenging on so many levels. I will give myself a week and see if there is any improvement and if not, seek help. 

Just as I was beginning to gain confidence in my mobility, I now have anxiety and don't need or want that when I am just recovering from my last devastating episode of PTSD. 

Of course the question is always, why does this keep re-occuring to me and I have no answer. Is this something I am creating? If so, for what purpose? 

~ Tutte ~