Flight or Escape

Ever since my last horrific episode of PTSD after I returned from a month in hospital where I litterally thought I was going crazy and realized my mind was the worst possible enemy I could have, I now have a medication that seems to help. Sadly not without side effects. The worst and most beneficial for me is that it removes me from having to feel my emotions. I no longer have the Anxiety attacks of the past that left me feeling suicidal but they also numb me  in terms of feeling much of anything.
However that is far preferable to the level of Anxiety I lived with for over 10 years. What I regret the most about this med is that I used to write from the level of my emotions about anything since I had nothing of normal life to to write about, so it was always my perceptions and assumptions. Now I find myself unable to respond to most of my emails. This is a huge loss but I recognize that in order to overcome PTSD, I have to be removed from all the thoughts and emotions that were driving me crazy. The meds have been a blessing regardless of their side effects.

~ Tutte~

Silent Tears

I have no idea why I can't cry. I will only allow myself to shed silent tears when I see something on the TV that moves me. Could be anything from a movie to a commercial but usually when I see a contestent who put his heart and soul into his performance, win or not. 

My being is so filled with unshed tears and without being able to release them, they manifest in my body in the form of disease and pain. Why can't I allow myself to cry is somewhat of a mystery to me. I don't like the way it makes my body and eyes feel nor the headache that follows. I never have headaches. The only explanation I can come up with is that as I child I was discourged to by various messages. I don't know, but wish I could find a release by a natural means that wouldn't make me feel worse.

~ Tutte~

A Prayer

 

Ever since my fall last January that landed me in the hospital for a month and then the subsequent fall recently, I have said a prayer for safety every time I have gone out for a walk.

I finally bit the bullet and bought myself a cell phone for Emergencies only. I carry it with me everywhere and it's unbelievable how much it has disappated my anxiety. I hope I will never have to use it but it provides me with a Lifeline.

 ~ Tutte~ 

Comparison

How does the world view me in comparison to how I view myself?

That is the universal question that plagues us all from the day we become conscious of ourselves. We spend our lives in this exercise. At times it is a motivating factor and builds self-esteem and in others just the opposite. So much depends on the amount of love and encouragement we receive in childhood. Until I met my beloved husband who showered me with unconditional love, I was very insecure and put on all kinds of masks to try to fit it and they were often misunderstood.

With aging, the blessings I have received now allow me to not care at all what others think? There is so much freedom coming from that place. Of course this is based on a history of having my Ego totally stripped by all the challenges I have had to face. There is a gift in everything.

~ Tutte ~

peek at Peanut and Fifi

It won't be available in stores until March of 2013, but I received proofs of PEANUT AND FIFI HAVE A BALL. Written by Randall de Seve and illustrated by myself. I love this story. You will love this story. I will be giving more sneak peeks of it later.

kids these days...

... are so smart!

Percy f&g's

Pearl the porcupine's little brother Percy grapples his rather tragic state of affairs with balloons. Available in January, but you can pre-order now.
Barnes&Noble