Happy New Year

Slumber My Darling Andre Rieu and sung by Suzan Erens

Just discovered this wonderful singer and a very sweet song. The term 'Mother' can be replaced by another term for a lost loved one. 
Lyrics are below.

Slumber, my darling, thy mother is near,
Guarding thy dreams from all terror and fear,
Sunlight has pass'd and the twilight has gone,
Slumber, my darling, the night's coming on.
Sweet visions attend thy sleep,
Fondest, dearest to me,
While others their revels keep,
I will watch over thee.
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.
Slumber, my darling, till morn's blushing ray
Brings to the world the glad tidings of day;
Fill the dark void with thy dreamy delight--
Slumber, thy mother will guard thee tonight,
Thy pillow shall sacred be
From all outward alarms;
Thou, thou are the world to me
In thine innocent charms.
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.

This provided me with a level of comfort and hope it does you as well.

~ Tutte ~

Neither Here or There

 

It's been a long time since I have written anything. I have discovered this is a result of my new Medications. They seem to have provided some relief from my ongoing Anxiety which I am grateful for since this provides me with some sense of Peace. Something that has been lacking for more years than I can remember. However, the downside is that I am not able to express or get in touch with my emotions as I once did. In fact, when something negative comes up, I seem to be able to shut those emotions of immediately. After so many years of being preoccupied with all my pain whether emotional or physical, this is huge change in my psyche. Not sure yet whether I like it or not.

Since in the past I communicated via Email to all my friends and family based on my emotions since there was no news to share, and now I can't do either since nothing has changed in my physical world, it's become somewhat of a cunundrum. I expect that I should view this change as a reprieve and that it will allow me to regroup. At least that is what I expect. 

I sleep all day because I have nothing to get up for and now can allow myself to do that without any feelings of guilt. It may not fit in with others expectations but today, I don't care. I suffered from profound insomnia for 15 years so if I can sleep for 12 hours a day, I view that as a gift. My priority is to heal myself and others will just have to adjust. A new attitude for me since I was always a people pleaser. Now I come first. Why it had to take 68 years, I don't know especially since I know so many people whose priority is themselves. The other plus is that I spend so much time in my dreamworld that is far more exciting so I have no real desire to wake up to another unproductive and boring day. It is almost as I am beginning a transitioning process from this world to another. I find it quite exciting and undoubtedly leaves my friends with a lot of question. I am quite at peace with my life for the moment. First time in the last 18 years.

Xmas is now past and I am relieved since this is always the most painful season for me. I did receive the greatest gift last night in that my youngest son living in Japan for the last 8 years phoned and we had a very animated chat for  3 hours. I so love this son of mine and hearing his voice made him seem so much closer.

I will leave it at that.

~Tutte~

Flight or Escape

Ever since my last horrific episode of PTSD after I returned from a month in hospital where I litterally thought I was going crazy and realized my mind was the worst possible enemy I could have, I now have a medication that seems to help. Sadly not without side effects. The worst and most beneficial for me is that it removes me from having to feel my emotions. I no longer have the Anxiety attacks of the past that left me feeling suicidal but they also numb me  in terms of feeling much of anything.
However that is far preferable to the level of Anxiety I lived with for over 10 years. What I regret the most about this med is that I used to write from the level of my emotions about anything since I had nothing of normal life to to write about, so it was always my perceptions and assumptions. Now I find myself unable to respond to most of my emails. This is a huge loss but I recognize that in order to overcome PTSD, I have to be removed from all the thoughts and emotions that were driving me crazy. The meds have been a blessing regardless of their side effects.

~ Tutte~

Silent Tears

I have no idea why I can't cry. I will only allow myself to shed silent tears when I see something on the TV that moves me. Could be anything from a movie to a commercial but usually when I see a contestent who put his heart and soul into his performance, win or not. 

My being is so filled with unshed tears and without being able to release them, they manifest in my body in the form of disease and pain. Why can't I allow myself to cry is somewhat of a mystery to me. I don't like the way it makes my body and eyes feel nor the headache that follows. I never have headaches. The only explanation I can come up with is that as I child I was discourged to by various messages. I don't know, but wish I could find a release by a natural means that wouldn't make me feel worse.

~ Tutte~

A Prayer

 

Ever since my fall last January that landed me in the hospital for a month and then the subsequent fall recently, I have said a prayer for safety every time I have gone out for a walk.

I finally bit the bullet and bought myself a cell phone for Emergencies only. I carry it with me everywhere and it's unbelievable how much it has disappated my anxiety. I hope I will never have to use it but it provides me with a Lifeline.

 ~ Tutte~ 

Comparison

How does the world view me in comparison to how I view myself?

That is the universal question that plagues us all from the day we become conscious of ourselves. We spend our lives in this exercise. At times it is a motivating factor and builds self-esteem and in others just the opposite. So much depends on the amount of love and encouragement we receive in childhood. Until I met my beloved husband who showered me with unconditional love, I was very insecure and put on all kinds of masks to try to fit it and they were often misunderstood.

With aging, the blessings I have received now allow me to not care at all what others think? There is so much freedom coming from that place. Of course this is based on a history of having my Ego totally stripped by all the challenges I have had to face. There is a gift in everything.

~ Tutte ~